Our Southern Correspondent's Tutotial on D/s Communication Skills

 Slave was solo here at the UCTMW World HQ for most of the evening last night. I'd dutifully worn my cage to work, but was given dispensation to remove it once I got home and before a short bike ride to get a little exercise.

Mistress was headed over to J's "love shack" purportedly for a bike ride, but it was unclear whether she was planning a "sleep over". I felt a little sorry for J in fact, because I could tell Mistress was in a bit of a "demanding" mood. 

By the time I had whipped up some dinner, read the Times and wallowed in the political swamp on MSNBC I was getting a little sleepy, but just as I was nodding off my phone rang... it was Mistress, reporting that she'd be home before 11 pm.

Of course, I was grateful to have her company, though I knew I'd be waiting until this morning the break my "horrible" 24 hours of sexual denial.  

I asked for a little update in her evening and she gave me the quick summary.

"No bike ride, Slave.... we went out to dinner instead.... then I let him have a little fun when we got back to his house."

"Well that was nice of you...."

"I was kind of a bitch though.... I wouldn't take off my clothes.... just pulled up my dress and rode his cock....."

For some unknown reason that' the sort of comment that gets Slave..... shall we say it.... aroused.

But I kept my cool.... curious about how this unraveled. 

"Getting a little Dommey with him.... and how did he react to that....."

"I actually think he liked it Slave..... and to tell the truth, I thought it was kind of hot too....."

No doubt.

I may have to ask a little more about this shortly.  Fortunately, we do have this helpful guide from our Senior Correspondent to provide the meat of today's edition:

 

Do you remember the book Men Are from Mars, Women from Venus by John Gray? It was basically about communication differences between men and women and how one sex doesn’t know WTF their partner means without an instruction manual. Someone could write a similar book describing communication between Dominants and submissives. 

Let me give you a couple of non-BDSM communications gaps between Bill and me. 

When we’re traveling and I say, “Honey, I’ll need for you to stop at the next Rest Stop,” I mean pressure is increasing and my bladder is very quickly heading toward full. I need a toilet within 15 minutes. What Bill understands from what I said is that I will need a potty break sometimes before sunset but, if necessary, can wait until sometime tomorrow. 

When I say in a strained voice, “Bill, what would you think about stopping to ask for directions since we’ve been circling this block like buzzards over a dead cow for several hours now,” his understanding is that I am having a wonderful time, have total faith in his navigational skills, and would like beef for dinner.

With BDSM, understanding clearly what the other person says, and what they mean by what they say, is vital. In addition to the differences between males and females, there are differences between the language and motivations of Dominants and submissives, especially in a club situation when they don't know one another.

Let’s look at a potential BDSM dungeon situation. A sub might say to a new Dom, “Sir, please, please may I suck your cock?” The sub is thinking of licking, sucking, applying rhythmic pressure to the spongy head of the Dom’s penis with his/her tongue, to be accompanied by firm but carefully controlled thrusts from the Dom until he spills his seed into the waiting condom. (That sub reads books primarily from the romance section of the library, in case you couldn’t tell.) What the Dom understands is that this sub really, really wants his/her head squeezed between his hands in a vise-like grip with his cock thrusting all the way down that throat at ramming speed until he cums like Old Faithful at Yellowstone! (That particular Dom reads Guns and Guts magazine while sitting on the toilet, in case you couldn’t tell.)

At another station a Dom might say to a sub, “You said you have experience being tied. I want to be sure before we begin that you are completely comfortable with this. Do you have any questions?” The sub thinks this Dom is really hot looking and even though she doesn’t have any actually experience with Shibari, or any rope work at all, she figures she wears lace up shoes to the gym twice a week, a girdle to work every day, has laces on her bustier, and has seen pictures on the web. How difficult could it be? And she says, “No Sir, I don’t have any questions.” 

Even BDSM couples who have been together for a very long time can get their wires crossed with communication. Not so long ago, I was on my back on the bed, head over the edge with Bill’s cock in my mouth. I was running my lips and tongue up and down his penis when I decided to switch things up a bit and let my teeth lightly scrap up and down his cock. I looked up at him, his eyes were wide, he was so thrilled he was almost trembling, and he was making a primitive noise I hadn't heard from him before. I put all those non-verbal clues together to mean, “Wow, this is fabulous, Donna, give me more of that rub with your pearly whites!” What he really meant was, “Damn, damn, damn, WTF is she doing? I don’t want to startle her while her teeth are on my cock but she needs to stop!” As soon as he was able to speak he got through to me in very short order that he didn't like that. He was sore for a day or so and it was weeks before he let me have his cock in my mouth again. And now there is never a time when his cock goes into my mouth that he doesn’t tap my cheek and say, “NO teeth, Donna! Is that clear?”

I know that’s a very, very sad story, but I hope it makes the point that really strong communication skills, both verbal and nonverbal, are an important thing to work on with your BDSM partner. 

Hugs,

Donna

Thanks Donna..... on this same theme.... communicating one's D/s expectations, I saw a reference to this article in Salon on some 29 year old BDSM wannabe's attendance at a "Fifty Shades of Grey" party pop up in my office email yesterday. While the author mocks the adventures of Anastasia in the all too popular book, it seemed to be that she had some of the same maturity issues, if only in reverse. What do you think?