Dear Mick and Molly . . .

It’s Wednesday again, and like last Wednesday, Slave is “cage ready” and Mistress is planning on some mid-day delight with her lover Jay.

Of course, last week things went awry. The heater repair guys dawdled, and poor Mistress was denied her the all access pass to her side dish, failing to break a long draught. She came home very frustrated.

Now, a week later,  both of their calendars have cleared again, but the weather report is ominous. It’s raining here now, but the doomsayers on the TV are predicting another big snow storm this afternoon.

Will Mistress make it to Jay’s?  

Will she get snowed in with him?

If so, will Slave be stuck in his cage overnight if the weather forces them to  go into overtime?

Tune in here in here tomorrow for an update.

But today’s blog is really about a chance for Slave to kibbitz on another one of those advice columnists who just doesn’t get it. You know the drill: silly request for sex advice, to which Mick and Molly provide a more frank and  nuanced response. This one comes from the Washington Post:

Q. Am I a Prude?: I’ve been married happily for more than a decade and my husband and I are in our 30s with young children. We have an active bedroom life, and work together to keep our relationship and love life intact. My husband likes sexting (what man doesn’t?) and I usually don’t. I have to be in the right mood for it, and usually during the day I’m busy with work, errands, etc. I’m uncomfortable sending pictures of myself or saying things I’m not really thinking or feeling. I do indulge when I’m in the right mood, but most of the time when he asks, I just don’t want to! Recently, in a text conversation, he hinted toward it, I changed the topic (my gentle letdown tactic), he asked outright, and I told him to stop pressuring me. He said he didn’t like being accused of pressuring me, and we argued. Is this something I should do as part of my “wifely duties” even though I don’t want to? Is there any way to feel less resentful about it?

Dear Sexted-a-lot:

Well this is one of those first world problems, isn’t it? 

You’re grumpy because your husband of more than a decade still pines for you so much that he wants to telegraph his lust for you , despite  the distractions of his busy work day.  Would you rather get his textual come-ons yourself, or have him discharge his sexual energy on some cutie at work? Maybe you’d prefer him wanking off to sex-blogs like ours? With the threat of censorship lifted, maybe we can post a few more hot photos of Mistress to keep him off your screen.

Wait. Let us guess – you work for Google?

Believe me it could be worse. Mistress not only gets the occasional illustrated sexts from her caged slave, but has to deal with phone calls from Jay, enticing text messages from her side-side dish K, and those facebook messages from her old college lover, begging for revealing photos so he can rekindle old pre-cyber flames.  Somehow she manages to overcome those distractions and get her work done. A little cyber-foreplay can prime the pump for some hands-on action when the dust settles at the end of the day.

If you’d rather dodge your husband’s randy workday missives, maybe you can persuade one of your less busy lady friends to act as your ghost writer. She might actually enjoy it!

But otherwise, buck up, lady. Sometimes you have to take one for the team!

Molly and Mick

Just in case you wanted to know how The Post’s “Prudence” answered this letter, here is her response:

A: For some people one of the pleasures of sex is not having to form coherent sentences. Also, since most of us are bombarded all day with electronic communications, getting demands to write sexy texts, or send risqué photos while at work or at the grocery store, is not an erotic enterprise. You two need to talk this out—and not right after having a spat about it. Tell your husband you want to accommodate his sexual desires, but sex is a mutual enterprise and for you, his enjoyment of sexting feels burdensome, not stimulating. There’s also the issue of your not wanting to get caught doing things during work that could compromise your employment—which also goes for your husband. You both need to understand and accept each other without pressure or resentment, and I hope your husband can openly and sensitively hear you out. (And he better not threaten to take his sexting needs elsewhere!) In any case, if there isn’t an app for this there should be, something with canned phrases (“I can’t wait to get home and see you standing at attention, you big, big …”) you can generate while standing in the check-out line. 

Dear Molly and Mick - The Case of the Naked Primper and Her Whiny Husband

This is one of those days when, in search of blogfodder, we "borrow" a hapless request for advice (this time to "Dear Prudence") and give a more straight forward response than can be provided in "family friendly" publications:
 

Wife walks around nude

Dear Prudence, I am having a rather silly problem with my otherwise wonderful wife. She gets up early every morning before work to go to the gym, and then takes a shower when she gets back to our small, one-bedroom apartment. After her shower, she says she gets overheated easily while we're both getting ready for work. I can understand that -- I've already showered while she's gone, she's been exercising, and then she's showered, plus she needs to use a blowdryer to style her hair. But her way of dealing with this is to walk around almost naked (in just her bra and underwear) until she absolutely has to get dressed to leave for work. She eats breakfast like this, puts on her makeup this way -- she basically just goes about her morning routine with barely any clothes on and sometimes she skips the bra entirely. Under other circumstances, I would enjoy this. But when I'm trying to get myself ready for the day, this is kind of distracting. I find myself getting aroused, and since we're both trying to get out the door for work, it's a bad time for sex. But then I get to work and I'm frustrated all day long. I've tried raising this issue with her (delicately) and she gets offended that I can't control myself after we've been married for eight years, which I find offensive. She's the one walking around half-naked. How can I try to resolve this with her peacefully?

M & M Response:

Well this is certainly a first world problem isn't it? Some folks have a 5 mile walk to the nearest water supply, and you have to "endure" the spectacle of your attractive wife prancing around semi-attired in the morning, making your pathetic little dick all tingly?  We have a friend Suzanne who would suggest you go buy your wife a cock cage to lock on you so this "problem" will go away. Here at the UCTMW World HQ, Mistress also rejects the 1950's standards of morning attire that you seem to subscribe to. I'm sure Ward Cleaver never had to worry about June showing off her perky little breasts over her morning coffee. Lumpy Rutherford might pop in and be all scandalized.

We solve the problem by scheduling some early am wakeup sex to take the edge off, but only if Mistress is pleased with my preliminary worship services. And if she determines I am not worthy, she is more than happy to flaunt herself at the expense of me going off to work all horny and longing for her. And, by the way, it's not just in the morning I get the treatment which seems to try your cpacity for self control. How many times have I had to "endure" her nude sun bathing at our SW hideaway while I am doing my field slave duties, chopping back brush or persecuting prairie dogs? And when we are indulging ourselves in some "must see TV" here in the evening, she's usually in some short, silky lingerie, with her lady bits uncovered, teasing me with their proximity and provocative aroma.

Rather than whine about this "distraction", maybe it's time you "man up", fall to your knees and embrace your role as the hapless victim of her early morning tease and denial.

M & M

In case you are interested, here is the much lamer advice that Prudence provided to this whiner:

 

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Ah, tempus fugit! At this stage in my life, the way I turn off my husband is to walk around naked.  This is a sweet dilemma, so it's too bad you both get so annoyed with each other over the fact that after eight years the sight of your undressed wife bouncing around the apartment is so arousing. I get letters from women wishing that their husbands weren't lounging around with the family jewels draped over the upholstery (they do not find it a turn-on).  But I think yours is the first from a guy who finds his wife's toilette so distracting he can't get out the door.  But surely, once you're at the office, you are able to focus on the marketing data and don't spend the whole day moaning over your morning testicular vasocongestion. If you're not able to move on and save it for later, you sound very juvenile. Instead of continuing to fight over this, try taking action  (not the kind of action that will make you late for work). Buy a pretty, short, sheer robe for your wife and give it to her as a gift. Explain that she's so damn attractive that if she were a little more covered in the morning it would help you focus on the day ahead. Tell her she of course doesn't have to wear it, but you know that color looks great on her, and you hope it's lightweight enough that she can put it on without getting overheated. Let's hope that she takes your gesture in good spirit and likes the robe. Of course, if it's silky and sexy, seeing her in it may have the unintended consequence of overheating you.

Cheap Advice from Mick and Molly to a Might Be Cuckold

A couple of weeks back, Slave ventured into the counter-advice column business, figuring it to be a one-off , useful in filling up the column inches here, particularly in the absence of any meaningful contributions of late from our Western Correspondent, who must still be licking the wounds endured when his geldings took the field in the Meadow Lands on Sunday.

The lopsided Seahawks victory had me wondering if in true Jersey tradition, the lads from Denver were advised by one of Chris Christie’s high school chums just before game time that it “was not their night”,  the way Marlon Brando got the news from his older brother, played by Rod Stieger in “On the Waterfront”. 

But then I saw this request for advice in the Washington Post yesterday that was right up our alley, and figured the writer needed a little more common sense than “Dear Prudence” had in her limited range of experience:

Paternity

My wife and I have a female-led relationship. Before we got married, I agreed that she could "take other lovers", while I would remain faithful to her alone. She said that she might not ever see anyone else, but she liked that I knew she *could*. Well, now she's pregnant, and I'm wondering the obvious. We do have intercourse, but not often. She was away on business near the time she would have conceived. I don't know whether she's ever had another lover. I could have asked that before, but now I'm afraid of how it would come across. Should I ask, or just wait to see if the baby looks like me?

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February 03, 2014 7:02 AM

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A.

Emily Yoffe :

Thank you for informing me of the phrase "female-led relationship." From reading the definition, I see that it doesn't necessarily mean that the wife take lovers while the husband is home making soup. It just means she is in charge. (Hear that, Darling, it's not me being intolerably bossy, it's a lifestyle!)  In an earlier day, writer John Mortimer delightfully appropriated the term, She Who Must Be Obeyed, to describe this sort of relationship in Rumpole of the Bailey.  But just because you agreed your wife would  set the terms of both her behavior and yours doesn't mean you are not now entitled to rethink things. If you say you want to talk about the pregnancy and the child's possible paternity and she orders you into the dungeon, then you two are suffering from a failure to communicate. One of the basics of embarking on parenthood is knowing how the event came to be.  If you're afraid to ask, then you need to rethink what it means to raise a child together not as equal partners.  I assume you don't want your offspring to think of dad as a timid, quivering wreck. If you don't have the guts to discuss this up with your wife, then maybe you can pass her a note saying you'd like the engage the services of a marriage counselor so that you have a safe place to talk to her.

–     February 03, 2014 12:07 PM

Here is what Molly and Mick would say to this confused sap and his Domme:

Those of us in “female led relationships” certainly subscribe to the notion that the wife has every right to play the field when on a business trip, or even when hubby is simonizing the floors in the den. It’s been in Mick’s contract from the very beginning, and Molly has oft exercised that privilege for more than a few cums  from a variety of macho lovers.

But the particular  thrill of the cuckold relationship is in giving a full after action read out to the humbled cuckold who’s imagination has been forced to run wild while his wife is running free.  For Mick it allows his competitive juices to flow as he seeks to please Mistress as best he can when she returns to the marital bed, none the worse for wear (though sometimes a little stiff and sore depending on the physical dexterity and vigor  of her alternative lover).

And Molly seems to relish the opportunity to tease Slave with her upcoming evening (or afternoon) plans, sometimes making sure he is locked in the cage and not tempted to violate that “no touch” rule. She is not burdened with the hassle of sneaking about or covering her tracks.

Heck, it works for us, and our sense is that we are part of a growing trend who use these dynamics to keep their marriage hot and fresh.

So we can’t understand why a wife with “privileges” would fail to tell her husband all the juicy details …. Or at least some of the hot highlights if she has found a fetching side dish while at an otherwise dreary business trip.

So what does a confused might be cuck do when confronted with a pregnant wife: being a Dad is no easy chore, and in a female led household, you are likely to do much more than 50% of the diaper changing, laundry, middle of the night feeding, and (later) soccer practice driving. There’s no reason why you can’t have a satisfying parental role and bond whether or not your chromosomes are in the mix. But if it’s something that is going to stick in your craw, best to politely ask the question that is top of mind now and clear the air.

And consider reminding her that she has no reason to conceal her future “free ranging” because if anything full disclosure might make things even hotter around the homestead.

Molly and mick

Dear Molly and Mick.....

Every now and then, Mistress and Slave contemplate writing a book or doing a more mainstream “how to” column or radio show that would share our “wit and wisdom” on how to maintain a vivid and fulfilling sex life. Why don’t we? Well maybe it’s because unveiling our “Mick and Molly” personas to the world would be excruciatingly embarrassing to our kids, or compromise our everyday work lives. Or maybe we’re just too busy having sex.

But then you read something like this in the Washington Post’s “Dear Prudence” column, and you realize there is a crying need our there for our common sense!

Dear Prudence, I'm a woman in my late twenties who's been married to a wonderful man that I'm very sexually attracted to for a few years. We don't have children - yet - but we do have careers, a house, pets, and lots of great friends and fulfilling activities that fill our days. However, our sexual life seems to be somewhat lacking. I enjoy sex when we have it, which is probably around once every two weeks. I tend not to be the instigator and often use the "I'm tired" excuse. I worry that I'm not fulfilling him sexually, even though we've talked about it and we both understand the realities of working full time and try to set aside time when we can. Other than this, we're very happy together. Do you have any tips on how I can feel more gung-ho about sex? How much sex should two happy, healthy people in love be having? Sincerely, Wannabe Sexual Goddess

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January 09, 2014 3:19 PM

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A.

Emily Yoffe :

Normally, two twentysomethings who are attracted to each find they have to carve out some time from their sex life to attend to work, pets, and other obligations, not the other way around. If your "fulfilling activities" make you too tired to have a more robust sex life with your husband, then cut back on the luge classes.  The good news is that you like sex when you have it, the bad news is that you have it about 24 times a year, which is quite wan for childless people your age. It would be one thing if your Sex Point Average was exactly where you two wanted to be, but you acknowledge you're pushing your husband away with the lamest of excuses. So bring this up with him. Tell him you want to be more connected and adventuresome sexually. Say that initiating is not your style, but that maybe you two need to have appointment sex. Sure, that doesn't sound sexy, but having sex is sexy, so note it in your calendars. You make time for friends and animals, so set aside one night during the work week and one day on the weekend for just the two of you. You like it when you do it, so that should be a good incentive to do it more.

Well, al least “Prudence” did not tell “Wannabe” that two times a month was par for the course…. But it seems some more straight forward advice was in order. Here’s how M & M might handle this letter:

Dear Wannabe:

Let’s get this straight, aspiring sex goddess: No kids. Healthy. 20 something. And you claim you get around to some nookie about twice a month (which means it’s actually more like once every 3 weeks or so,  unless the House Wives of Paducah is on?) We hope you realize that prisoners at the Mississippi State Pen have more frequent conjugal visits than that, honey. 2 times is the average Saturday here in the M & M household, and Mick is counting the days until he can sign up for Medicare.

Does your husband really take at face value the “too tired” line? Our bet is that he is spending a lot of otherwise disposable income on high end lubricant. Maybe we can connect him with our Western Correspondent. Together they might qualify for a group discount.

Our recommendation is a sex boot camp: whether on a weekend or during your next holiday from your careers and those other “fulfilling activities”  you use as an excuse to stay out of each other’s pants.  Make it your objective to see exactly how many times you can do it in just one day. Believe Mick, it won’t be easier to do that 10 or 20 years from now.

No TV. No Sunday brunch with all your urbanista friends. No trips to Target where they will let some Russian hacker steal your credit card number.  Just sex, with a little nourishment or a nap thrown in from time to time to keep your energy up. Since M & M lean to the kinky side, how about tossing in a leather collar around your neck, locked to a teather that will let you get no farther than the bed and the little girl’s room.  Let’s see how your hubbie reacts to that.

Once you realize that it’s quite possible for you 20 somethings to do it 4, 5 maybe even 8 times in one day, then it will become apparent that your calendar has a lot more time for fucking than you previously thought.

M & M