It so happens that Ol' Mick has been involved in a few political campaigns in his life, and with some gray hair accumulated, where there still is hair, its not unusual for an aspiring political candidate to ask me for some advice.... but none of them ever seem to ask about the one subject that seems to get so many of them into trouble.... managing a messy sex life. So, in case any of them are reading here, I've compiled
MICK'S TOP TEN SUGGESTIONS FOR POLITICIANS ON HOW TO MANAGE THEIR SEXUAL URGES:
10. If you feel compelled to patronize a prostitute, consider not using a check or credit card, as Jerry Springer did back in his Cincinnati City Council days. The documentation makes a great "get out of jail free" card when the pro gets picked up for soliciting.
9. Hounded by stories of womanizing? Don't take your squeeze out for a weekend cruise on a boat called "Monkey Business", and then pose for pictures with her on your lap.
8. Looking for a pizza pick-me-up during the latest government shut down? Ask the White House kitchen for carry out, not the cute intern who likes to flash her thong at you.
7. Looking for an alibi to cover your trip to South America to visit your honey? Consider "trade mission" rather than solo hiking on the Appalachian Trail.
6. Caught by a camera wielding constituent in Argentina rather than on the Appalachian Trail? Don't conduct a live on CNN news conference where you profess your undying love for your latest honey, while the good wife stews back in the governor's mansion.
5. Enjoying a messy blow-job in the oval office? Consider having that cute thong flashing intern wear a bib. Or, if not, insist on paying her dry cleaning bill.
4. Sending photos of your dong to your fawning internet fans? At least use Snapchat, where the photos self delete after the first viewing.
3. Governor of New York? Don't assume that prostitutes at the Mayflower Hotel in D.C. won't recognize you.
2. Don't expect that the public will buy "I did not have sex with that woman" because your dick only went into her mouth, and only your cigar slipped into her silken folds.
1. Picking a naughty sexting pseudonym? Avoid names like "Carlos Danger" when running for office in a constituency with more than a 5% Hispanic population. Try something less ethnic, like "Iron (Congress)Man". Or maybe "LongDongTony"
