Slave took the long drive to the east coast yesterday to visit one of my daughter's. Now that she and her husband have a house of their own, it was an opportunity to haul all of the crap in boxes filling up a corner of our attic that have her name on them. You know.... high school memorabilia, old posters, college books that somehow can't be thrown away.
Poor Mistress is left at home to her own devices. And the worst part is that rather than canoodling with a lover, she's stuck entertaining her sister and the Dowager Domme for Mother's Day weekend. Now what fun is that?
In the absence of any active cuckolding to report on, let's discuss instead this week's big spread in the NY Times Magazine about open marriages. It's a long complicated story touching on some couples that have had varying degrees of success or failure. Sadly, there's no focus at all on the cuckold kink --these are marriages where both sides have permission, not just the wife. But then, there is some psychobabble that opens the door just a little. The author explains that more oftern than not it’s the wife who wants to add some variety to her sex life:
Conventional wisdom has it that men are more likely than women to crave, even need, variety in their sex lives. But of the 25 couples I encountered, a majority of the relationships were opened at the initiation of the women; only in six cases had it been the men. Even when the decision was mutual, the woman was usually the more sexually active outside the marriage. A suburban married man on OkCupid told me he had yet to date anyone, in contrast to his wife, whom he called “an intimacy vampire.” There was a woman in Portland whose husband had lost interest in sex with anyone, not just her. A 36-year-old woman in Seattle said she opened her marriage after she heard about the concept from another young mom at her book club.
Perhaps the women in the couples I encountered were more willing to tell their stories because they did not fit into predictable unflattering stereotypes about the male sex drive. But it was nonetheless striking to hear so many wives risk so much on behalf of their sexual happiness.
It took decades for sex researchers to consider the possibility that women’s fabled low libido might be a symptom of monogamy. An entire scientific field, well chronicled by Daniel Bergner (a contributing writer for the magazine) in his book “What Women Want,” has evolved to try to understand the near-total diminishment of lust for their partners that so many women in long-term monogamous relationships feel. One 2002 study found that men and women in committed relationships shared equal desire at the onset of their relationships, although for women, that desire dropped precipitously between one and four years into the relationship; for men, the desire remained high throughout that period. In his book, Bergner cites research suggesting that women desire novelty as much as men. The recent attempts to formulate medication to address waning sexual interest has been predicated on the assumption that one possible response — indulging an interest in newer partners — would never be practical and could be destabilizing.
The women I met who initiated openness seemed to be defying some stereotypes about gender, but their interest was also consistent with more familiar ideas about women and intimacy: They seemed to be doubling down on building relationships in their lives.
So at least this research throws a little light on why in the cuckold world the ladies want to add a little spice to what their less than compelling hubbies may be able to offer in the bedroom. And towards the end of the ariticle there is some focus on a couple where the wife’s male lover has moved into the house full time. There’s no mention of the husband having any of his own outside fun. I guess that is cuckolding without the label.
Maybe the author will circle back and focus on relationships like ours, where the marital door (and bed) only opens one way.
There is some mention of OK Cupid as an on-line dating portal where one has the option of listing as “non-monogamous”. Have any of our readers had much luck there?
