From the Desk of Our (Appalled) CEO

 

Dear Readers:

Yes, we have been on and off again with you here at UCTMW. Such is our life. Like you, we are busy. Luckily we get back to the empty nest later today, after we drop our surly Co-Ed off at the airport for her 2nd semester,  and can resume  a more robust degree of debauchery. This is not to mean that we will locate others to join us in this pursuit any time soon, despite some recent and frustrating efforts.

We have almost given up thinking that we will find an ensemble cast scenario as compelling as the one over at “All Mine.” We often say WOW – how did the three of them find one another? (Not even counting the occasional cameo appearance of Suzanne’s sister Sherry). Based upon the somewhat fleeting rogue's gallery of supporting actors and actresses who have stumbled across the stage here at the UCTMW World HQ, we are not quite as fortunate.

We have not been completely dormant here in the past two months. No excitement please; there has not been any conjugal visits between suitors and me or us since before the holidays. But while I have kept the door open a crack, I am darn close to closing up shop on the “search”. The more men encountered – the more I scratch my head. Are people really this confused? Or disingenuous? Or do we just have a knack for unearthing the most peculiar whack jobs who have walked our quaint River valley?

I do have some training in psychology – but some of what I have encountered defies modern science’s understanding of the human condition. Some reasons observed or given for why yours truly has not  “scored” of late:

1)   The WC: well, this would be a model situation, if only…. And those of you who read – know the challenges here. We love you WC! And at least we now know you really exist. Get well soon!

2)   Jay: our Jay seems to like me too much actually to be involved with me. What red-blooded American male will not just provide the service without some guarantee of a “happily ever after” future involved? I seem to have met him. No Jay, it’s really not all that confusing.

3)   K: his cyber girlfriend, who lives 1000 miles away, gets jealous of what he might be doing when she is not around. He sees her every few months and gets hot and bothered in between. Ergo, he texts me. Great sex – yes, great eye candy – but not the most interesting man ever. Constantly guilt-ridden about cyber-wife, oh well. Way too much trouble.

4)   One you never learned of – Married – and I basically am anti-married guy. Lots of info shared. Bread broken. Guess what – he doesn’t cover his tracks thoroughly – wife gets suspicious   – he gets nervous. Major 911 – yea dude—told you cheating is NOT a good idea. Yes, heard from him again last week. No thanks buddy. And you want to  Collar me???

5)   Another cougar week foray; D. Yes, great sex. Fun and entertaining free spirit. But you neglected to tell me about your CRIMINAL RECORD. And not a good idea for me to be at your place next time the police come calling. I know that you love to snowboard – but you are not invited to our mountain hide-a-way.

So readers, without telling you, in the last week or so  we did a brief  nostalgia back into Ashley Madison  and Collar me – and some of what we found – and know that I have not met any of these guys face to face, is even more appalling – a few dispatches from the field:

1)   A potentially interesting Dude retired from the Marines (a flyer) and a boxer – but (after one brief conversation) says “I am already developing feelings for you and you are married”  (Well, yea. Didn't I make that clear? ) Another would be “Dom” with the sensitivity of a butterfly. 

2)   A guy from down river who chats me up via email and then  says, ”Let’s talk, but I need to first get a throw-a-way phone”.  (What? That much paranoia already?  no thanks.)

3)   Guy who’s “private showcase” of photos shows some very hot abs! Claims to be single. But then says, “I want to meet you but cannot give you my full name till I see you face-to-face”. (security reasons!). Is this guy in the CIA, or maybe the KGB? Could it be General Petraeus, a tad bored? No, this girl likes to do a little due diligence research first before meeting face to face.

4)   Another guy from down river, says he is “legally separated”. Gives me his name and facebook friends me. Hooked up by Linked In too. Intriguing, I suppose, though a bit of a name dropper. But how old is he really? On AM he says he’s 55. His facebook page says he’s 63.  Why lie about your age, compadre?

What am I doing wrong here, friends?

Any tips?

The appalled,

Molly