Ashley Madison Follies

As a somewhat experienced user of Ashley Madison, Mistress is well attuned to the fact that the odds of finding the "right fit" are pretty minuscule. But the fun part is getting an under the rock look at the freak show that passes for this gauzy on-line meat market of horny guys and "gals" (yes some men use that term on their profile to refer to the women of their wet dreams).

As Mistress's corresponding secretary, it's my job to cull the riff from the raff, and see if any potential "sidedish" can come close to meeting Mistress's exacting standards. The process is (very little) hit, and (a whole lot of) miss.  Nevertheless, Mistress does have a lunch set up for next week with one prospect, more likely, in our opinion, to turn more into a potential business connection than a roll in the hay. And we will both have dinner next Wednesday with another prospect who seems to get the cuckold dynamic that Mistress and her loyal Slave enjoy.

But the rejects are really more interesting. Here are some examples:

Cheater Town. There is a ex-urban town near here --  lets call it "West Lionel" for these purposes -- that seems to have a disproportionate  number of guys on the make. It's one of those "new" communities that sprouted along side an interstate over the last 20 years, with every conceivable fast food restaurant franchise and big box retailer you can imagine. Lots of sprauling subdivisions and abutting strip centers, and vestigal hospitals that branched out from the mother ships where the suburbanites are afraid to go because they have to drive through "the ghetto" to get there. Would it surprise you to know that their Congressman is the Speaker of the House?

In any event it seems to be chock full of "attached males" ranging from 28 to 55, and all of them seem to be clamoring for Mistress's attention. Setting aside the guys from the DC area and South America who were clogging her inbox last week, I would bet 1 in every 4 supplicants is from "West Lionel". Is there something in the water out there that sends guys into the purgatory of "loveless marriages",  or gives them some need to exploit their "very oral" propensities outside their own bedrooms?  Has AM launched some type of door to door marketing campaign out there to get these lonely and horny married guys to sign up in droves?  And if Slave opened his own AM page as a test, would I find a bunch of equally unfulfilled married ladies from West Lionel looking to unlock their inner sluts between the time they drop little Johnny off at the middle school and stick the casserole in the oven for dinner? 

Lovable Losers. Despite the warning in Mistress's profile that she does not respond to "winks" or lame emails like "how's your day, sweetie?", it's amazing how many guys try that approach anyway. Maybe it's because they are not confident in their spell check skills, one of the things Mistress has pointed out is a way she sorts contenders from pretenders. So those winks just get deleted, but sometimes Slave can't resist clicking on the profiles to see the "man" behind the cheap cum on. Here is a good one:

Preferences and encounters I am open to:

I love to eat pussy an fukn married women is such a turn on

What really turns me on:

a nymoho wife or two sisters mom daughter anything kinky an cheating lol

What I am looking for:

being naughty toys (dp) um love a wet bj. i love eating pussy an making women cummmm

For a moment I thought this might actually be the WC, based on the absence of punctuation. But then I realized that even he can spell "nympho".  And the profile shot of this skinny dude from Kentucky convinced me that it was not Miguel.  But I am still wondering if he's had much luck finding a mom /daughter combo to him a "wt bj". Maybe he needs to focus his hunt on West Lionel, where the women may have a lot of spare lunch hours available for that sort of fun.

Recognizable "Civic Leaders".  Then there is the guy who you actually know. In response to a request to see Mistress's "private showcase" (no face included), I usually scan the guy's profile to see if he meets the minimal standards Mistress has laid out - age, height and weight appropriate, reasonably articulate, yadda yadda. Here's one that met that initial screening:

Preferences and encounters I am open to:

Conventional Sex, Sensual Massage, Kissing, One-Night Stands, Extended Foreplay/Teasing, Gentleness, Cuddling & Hugging, Nothing Kinky, Likes to Go Slow

I believe no one person should have to be everything for another. It’s natural for someone to feel a powerful sense of attachment to a long term partner, while experiencing romantic love for somebody else and at the same time, feeling sexually attracted to a diverse range of people.
I would like to try exploring different dynamics with you — sexual, emotional, psychological and spiritual.

What really turns me on:

Confidence, Discretion/Secrecy, Petite Figure, Disease Free, Good Personal Hygiene, A Professional/Well Groomed, Sense of Humor, Muscular/Fit Body, Girl Next Door, Not Possessive, Stylish/Classy

interest in world affairs, arts & culture.

Some of these items are just "box checking". But there is a little bit of original prose in there that seemed acceptable enough to give him a better glimpse at Mistress and see what he might have to offer if given a chance.

So this morning when I clicked on the photo he sent back, I just about did a spit take with my morning latte. "FarmBoy500", is actually a guy we know who runs a large local civic institution. He's this unctuous weasel Mistress and Slave refer to as the "Undertaker" because he has that overly smooth and condescending manner that one associates with the guy looming at the back of a funeral home, mentally counting the dollars as the family and friends grieve. Even worse, we were both pissed off at the guy from a remark he made to us years ago at big civic Christmas Party, suggesting that Slave must have been having some side dishes of his own while Mistress was working out of town. Nasty. 

As I recall, he was a Minister in a prior life. Maybe his use of the word "spiritual" in his profile  was a tip-off I should have picked up on? It brings to mind some Bad movie from the 50's where the local minister is cleverly transitioning members of the ladies auxiliary into a tryst in the rectory after evening prayers.  

Fortunately, the photos he's seen of Mistress give him no idea of her identity. But now we know something about the "undertaker" we never wanted to know. What do we do now.