Dear Molly and Mick - The Case of the Naked Primper and Her Whiny Husband

This is one of those days when, in search of blogfodder, we "borrow" a hapless request for advice (this time to "Dear Prudence") and give a more straight forward response than can be provided in "family friendly" publications:
 

Wife walks around nude

Dear Prudence, I am having a rather silly problem with my otherwise wonderful wife. She gets up early every morning before work to go to the gym, and then takes a shower when she gets back to our small, one-bedroom apartment. After her shower, she says she gets overheated easily while we're both getting ready for work. I can understand that -- I've already showered while she's gone, she's been exercising, and then she's showered, plus she needs to use a blowdryer to style her hair. But her way of dealing with this is to walk around almost naked (in just her bra and underwear) until she absolutely has to get dressed to leave for work. She eats breakfast like this, puts on her makeup this way -- she basically just goes about her morning routine with barely any clothes on and sometimes she skips the bra entirely. Under other circumstances, I would enjoy this. But when I'm trying to get myself ready for the day, this is kind of distracting. I find myself getting aroused, and since we're both trying to get out the door for work, it's a bad time for sex. But then I get to work and I'm frustrated all day long. I've tried raising this issue with her (delicately) and she gets offended that I can't control myself after we've been married for eight years, which I find offensive. She's the one walking around half-naked. How can I try to resolve this with her peacefully?

M & M Response:

Well this is certainly a first world problem isn't it? Some folks have a 5 mile walk to the nearest water supply, and you have to "endure" the spectacle of your attractive wife prancing around semi-attired in the morning, making your pathetic little dick all tingly?  We have a friend Suzanne who would suggest you go buy your wife a cock cage to lock on you so this "problem" will go away. Here at the UCTMW World HQ, Mistress also rejects the 1950's standards of morning attire that you seem to subscribe to. I'm sure Ward Cleaver never had to worry about June showing off her perky little breasts over her morning coffee. Lumpy Rutherford might pop in and be all scandalized.

We solve the problem by scheduling some early am wakeup sex to take the edge off, but only if Mistress is pleased with my preliminary worship services. And if she determines I am not worthy, she is more than happy to flaunt herself at the expense of me going off to work all horny and longing for her. And, by the way, it's not just in the morning I get the treatment which seems to try your cpacity for self control. How many times have I had to "endure" her nude sun bathing at our SW hideaway while I am doing my field slave duties, chopping back brush or persecuting prairie dogs? And when we are indulging ourselves in some "must see TV" here in the evening, she's usually in some short, silky lingerie, with her lady bits uncovered, teasing me with their proximity and provocative aroma.

Rather than whine about this "distraction", maybe it's time you "man up", fall to your knees and embrace your role as the hapless victim of her early morning tease and denial.

M & M

In case you are interested, here is the much lamer advice that Prudence provided to this whiner:

 

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Ah, tempus fugit! At this stage in my life, the way I turn off my husband is to walk around naked.  This is a sweet dilemma, so it's too bad you both get so annoyed with each other over the fact that after eight years the sight of your undressed wife bouncing around the apartment is so arousing. I get letters from women wishing that their husbands weren't lounging around with the family jewels draped over the upholstery (they do not find it a turn-on).  But I think yours is the first from a guy who finds his wife's toilette so distracting he can't get out the door.  But surely, once you're at the office, you are able to focus on the marketing data and don't spend the whole day moaning over your morning testicular vasocongestion. If you're not able to move on and save it for later, you sound very juvenile. Instead of continuing to fight over this, try taking action  (not the kind of action that will make you late for work). Buy a pretty, short, sheer robe for your wife and give it to her as a gift. Explain that she's so damn attractive that if she were a little more covered in the morning it would help you focus on the day ahead. Tell her she of course doesn't have to wear it, but you know that color looks great on her, and you hope it's lightweight enough that she can put it on without getting overheated. Let's hope that she takes your gesture in good spirit and likes the robe. Of course, if it's silky and sexy, seeing her in it may have the unintended consequence of overheating you.

Orgasm Denial On Steroids

Here at the UCTMW, your poor slave has actually gone almost 48 hours without indulgence. Sunday evening we had guests for dinner, and the long bike ride that preceded it put us in a "resting mood" when our dinner guests headed home.

Monday morning, Mistress had one of those infernal 8 am meetings to primp for. And last night slave had to hang with my mother for a while in a local hospital. By the time I got home...... zzzzzzz.

But at least I can look forward to some quick release this morning.

On the other hand, over the weekend I saw this article on something called Kareeza: Sex Without Orgasms. The notion is that couples use this form of intercourse where they fuck without cumming to somehow strengthen their relationships and get into some spiritual zone.  Here is a highlight:  

So with all of the focus that most people put on orgasms, why are some drawn to karezza? All of the individuals that ABC News interviewed about karezza were in long-term partnerships, and the majority of the couples had experienced a lag in their sex lives or were recovering from some form of addiction. Darryl Keil, a 56-year-old furniture maker found karezza when he and his wife were having problems in the bedroom 14 years ago. Neither he nor his wife Annabelle has had an orgasm for eight years, and they say that their relationship has never been better. Annabelle now feels like an equal partner during their daily sexual encounters. “It’s really alive, great sex with great feeling,” Keil told ABC News. “The pleasure goes up another level … You follow the sensation in your body, not the stimulation .

Well I can see the occasional turn on and intensity that comes with delaying a cum for a day or so. Mistress used to impose a mandatory "abstinence day" on her slave a few years back. And there were a few times (it's complicated) when I was allowed to fuck Mistress but she was not allowed to come.

But 8 years?

Even our fellow blogger Harry Haversacker wouldn't want that, would you Harry? (Although maybe the concept would be a turn on for Harry).

I have a tendency to think that it's bad for the plumbing to get all stopped up down there. Am I sounding too much like George C. Scott in Dr. Stangelove? And even that hard ass Suzanne hasn't made poor Tammy go without a quick release for more than about 30 days.

Our Western Correspondent can barely go 8 hours without dipping into his vat of high end lubricant at the office.

And as for Mistress, well she has a pretty quick trigger.  I swear it took her no more than 10 seconds to cum Sunday morning once I switched on her favorite power tool. It is almost like a Pavlovian response once she sees that white bulbous head and hears the little buzz.

Let's hope Mistress never jumps on the Kareeza bandwagon.

Shelter From the (Blog-o-sphere Shit) Storm

Recently, one of our blogger colleagues had to abandon her long running blog due to a "security breach". She had a cyber stalker who she needed to throw off her trail. The details are not relevant, but she recently re-emerged in the blog-o-sphere as "Fury" (presumably she's pissed) and has to start all over again building her followers and renewing old acquaintances. (Her new blog is on our blog roll for you discerning readers).

This reminded me of an important public service that UCTMW  would be happy to provide for any of you sex bloggers who suddenly find yourself without a home. Several years ago we had concerns about a similar security breach: someone had been introduced to us, and then was  tipped off about our on-line shenanigans . We were concerned that she might blow our cover. So  we shut off access to this blog, thinking "big deal. Who will miss us? And what will we miss?"

But as it turned out, it's hard to go cold turkey when you have built a community on line like this. So we got creative, brought in Donna our Senior Correspondent and her husband Bill, our Director of Security, founders of the SBPP (Sex Bloggers Protection Program) and created an alternative blog:
Mistress and Slave on the Lam.

We found shelter far from River City in an over the top designer Yurt in Whatthehellitstan, where Mistress could tether her Slave to a tent poll while cavorting on our double wide bed with some of the locals.

The only trouble was the distinctive odor of the  dried yak dung used in the fire pit to keep the yurt warm. But you can get used to that after a while, particularly with enough burning incense. As I recall, the WC even came for a visit and developed a relationship with the Yaks in an adjoining stable that was - shall we say -- not exactly within the bounds of conventional sexual practices. But when in Whatthehellitstan....

The old blog and all of its accessories has remained dormant for some time, but that alternative universe is always available in the case of an emergency. The folks at google tell me it still gets some pageviews even now.

 So "Fury" or any other sof you out there in need of a quick exit strategy from your current blog.... or maybe an exotic holiday from your everyday submissive or dominant drudgery, just give us a quick email. All we need to do is air out the yurt, re-stock the fridge with local delicacies, and turn over the password.

The only hassle is feeding the Yaks. It's amazing how many calories they consume everyday.

Femdom Date Night

Mistress and Slave had a dinner and the theatre date night last night - something we can get away with while the Nest remains empty. We had made plans to see the BDSM themed play "Venus in Fur" which apparently is all the rage on the regional theatre circuit this year after a run in NYC in 2011. I guess sex still sells.

Mistress chose her outfit well: this black dress ornamented with hundreds of shiny steel safety pins - I always feel in jeopardy of piercing when she has this dress on. But it certainly has a Domme-ish quality, don't you think? At least for River City.

We had arranged for her to meet me at my office at around 5:30 pm, which meant that most of my colleagues had already left for the day, providing a little extra privacy for a pre-dinner appetizer for her devoted Slave. Of course, tights season is over, even though we've had some chilly weather this week. The sun over the weekend gave Mistress's naked legs a nice early spring glow, and I was happy to fall to my knees and savor her natural juices once she wriggled out of her black panties.  She didn't even have to take the shoes off.

When she came in response to the ministrations of my tongue and lips, she let out a soft but clearly discernible moan. But I think it's unlikely anyone heard.....

Once Mistress had reassembled herself, we headed off for dinner at a hipster Japanese street food joint a few blocks away. Mistress enjoyed some sake. I sipped a local craft beer, but felt a little naked without a porkpie hat or $300 sneakers. It's a part of town where the urbanistas have dug in, with surprising relish. Of course, Mistress fit right in with her black dress with safety pin garnish  look. Slave in his blue blazer .... not so much.

After dinner we headed over to the local playhouse. I'm not sure if it's a local phenomenon, or true with regional theatre everywhere --- but it's an ancient crowd. When this old Slave appears to be 5 yrs. below the median age, you know there's a demographics problem. And with all those old codgers there, it seemed particularly creepy when the evening's entertainment is a play that tries to both con temporise and satirize the original 19th Century BDSM novel.

Of course, we had to giggle when the female in this two character play proclaims that the male has become her "slave" and prepares a contract documenting the terms of his submission.

There was plenty of skin, lots of kneeling, and a little bondage at the end. But no actual sex (real or simulated). It was clever and  funny, but not particularly  erotic. And it wasn't clear how the blue haired crowd was reacting to it, including the older couple sitting next to Mistress who seemed to have left their dentures at home. I can't imagine their conversation on the way home.

If only they'd known that they were sitting next to a real live Mistress and Slave --- would they have been as disappointed as Suzanne to know that Slave was out late without his cock cage on?