Dear Molly and Mick.....

Every now and then, Mistress and Slave contemplate writing a book or doing a more mainstream “how to” column or radio show that would share our “wit and wisdom” on how to maintain a vivid and fulfilling sex life. Why don’t we? Well maybe it’s because unveiling our “Mick and Molly” personas to the world would be excruciatingly embarrassing to our kids, or compromise our everyday work lives. Or maybe we’re just too busy having sex.

But then you read something like this in the Washington Post’s “Dear Prudence” column, and you realize there is a crying need our there for our common sense!

Dear Prudence, I'm a woman in my late twenties who's been married to a wonderful man that I'm very sexually attracted to for a few years. We don't have children - yet - but we do have careers, a house, pets, and lots of great friends and fulfilling activities that fill our days. However, our sexual life seems to be somewhat lacking. I enjoy sex when we have it, which is probably around once every two weeks. I tend not to be the instigator and often use the "I'm tired" excuse. I worry that I'm not fulfilling him sexually, even though we've talked about it and we both understand the realities of working full time and try to set aside time when we can. Other than this, we're very happy together. Do you have any tips on how I can feel more gung-ho about sex? How much sex should two happy, healthy people in love be having? Sincerely, Wannabe Sexual Goddess

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January 09, 2014 3:19 PM

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A.

Emily Yoffe :

Normally, two twentysomethings who are attracted to each find they have to carve out some time from their sex life to attend to work, pets, and other obligations, not the other way around. If your "fulfilling activities" make you too tired to have a more robust sex life with your husband, then cut back on the luge classes.  The good news is that you like sex when you have it, the bad news is that you have it about 24 times a year, which is quite wan for childless people your age. It would be one thing if your Sex Point Average was exactly where you two wanted to be, but you acknowledge you're pushing your husband away with the lamest of excuses. So bring this up with him. Tell him you want to be more connected and adventuresome sexually. Say that initiating is not your style, but that maybe you two need to have appointment sex. Sure, that doesn't sound sexy, but having sex is sexy, so note it in your calendars. You make time for friends and animals, so set aside one night during the work week and one day on the weekend for just the two of you. You like it when you do it, so that should be a good incentive to do it more.

Well, al least “Prudence” did not tell “Wannabe” that two times a month was par for the course…. But it seems some more straight forward advice was in order. Here’s how M & M might handle this letter:

Dear Wannabe:

Let’s get this straight, aspiring sex goddess: No kids. Healthy. 20 something. And you claim you get around to some nookie about twice a month (which means it’s actually more like once every 3 weeks or so,  unless the House Wives of Paducah is on?) We hope you realize that prisoners at the Mississippi State Pen have more frequent conjugal visits than that, honey. 2 times is the average Saturday here in the M & M household, and Mick is counting the days until he can sign up for Medicare.

Does your husband really take at face value the “too tired” line? Our bet is that he is spending a lot of otherwise disposable income on high end lubricant. Maybe we can connect him with our Western Correspondent. Together they might qualify for a group discount.

Our recommendation is a sex boot camp: whether on a weekend or during your next holiday from your careers and those other “fulfilling activities”  you use as an excuse to stay out of each other’s pants.  Make it your objective to see exactly how many times you can do it in just one day. Believe Mick, it won’t be easier to do that 10 or 20 years from now.

No TV. No Sunday brunch with all your urbanista friends. No trips to Target where they will let some Russian hacker steal your credit card number.  Just sex, with a little nourishment or a nap thrown in from time to time to keep your energy up. Since M & M lean to the kinky side, how about tossing in a leather collar around your neck, locked to a teather that will let you get no farther than the bed and the little girl’s room.  Let’s see how your hubbie reacts to that.

Once you realize that it’s quite possible for you 20 somethings to do it 4, 5 maybe even 8 times in one day, then it will become apparent that your calendar has a lot more time for fucking than you previously thought.

M & M

Re-Immersion in River City

Mistress and Slave have desperately sought to get our noses back to the grind stone here this week with a positive attitude. But it's not been so easy. There was a nasty cold wave to deal with, and petulant, needy clients who apparently were wondering if we ever were coming back.

Makes us wish we had stayed in our SW hideaway, where the sun has been out ever since we left.

Not only did our sexcapades take a hit from re-adjusting to work and the time change, but our lovely cute Co-Ed has been around most of the week, on her endless winter break.

But things took a turn for the better yesterday. She decided to head back to her campus for the weekend (there must be some frat boy distracting her up there), and we finally seem to have caught up on sleep.

Not only did we have some bracing wake-up sex here on Friday morning, but Mistress also stopped by my office later in the afternoon for a little closed door "tide her over" treatment.  Since it's tights season, I got to watch her slide off one of those sexy black boots and wriggle out of one leg, before she could expose the clean shaven folds that make her Slave get so anxious to serve.

It's always a refreshing break from office drudgery to fall to my knees and use my lips and tongue to please her.

Yum.

And now we have a weekend that should give us a little more time than we've had this week to loll about and indulge.

Things definitely are looking up.

Our Western Correspondent Turns Consumer Reporter

 Slave was slaving away at work yesterday afternoon, wading through some especially tedious documents, when my text message bling went off.

It was our Western Correspondent, texting me images of some new products now available over the counter in his hometown, Here's one:

Apparently this is some sort of chewable marijuana confection, made to order for the guy who wants a quick buzz on his way to the grocery store, but doesn't want that tell tale smell in the family mini-van to annoy his wife or shock his kids.

There were also photos of the evil weed in it's more natural state. Miguel assured me that it "wasn't cheap, but it is killer bud!" (coma added by your editor).

I suppose it would have been rude of me to ask whether this "killer bud" was paid for via the UCTMW charge card. At least our readers deserve a more detailed analysis, WC! Let's hope for the WC's sake that Phillip Rivers and his crew stop by one of these little shops before game time against the WC's donkeys this weekend.

In the meantime, Mistress and Slave are back here in River City, noses to the grindstone. Plus, our senior cute Co-Ed remains in residence for the next few weeks. Since she sleeps in, it did not disturb our much needed wake up sex on Tuesday morning. And there was even a bit of a bonus for me.

When I got home, Mistress was a little annoyed at me.... I think it had something to do with her perception that I was a little too focused on work these last two days and did not "miss her enough", despite my protestations to the contrary.

"You need a spanking, Slave...."

"But Mistress.... with our lovely daughter here?  She would here the nasty smack and my howls of pain!" (yeah I was laying it on a little thick.)

"You're probably right .... but she can't be here all the time....."

So I guess Slave has something to look forward to if the cute Co-Ed ever decides to venture out into the cold this week on her own.

An Inhospitable Homecoming.

So Mistress and her drive-like-a- madman Slave did our 23 hour drive back to River City over a day and one half, only to discover rather unwelcoming circumstances greeting us here in River City.

First, Slave mistakenly used our early arrival home to  waste an afternoon watching our local pussycats go through their typical post-season meltdown against the Bolts. So much for home field advantage. Next year I'll be rooting for a post season away game, so that I can turn the TV off without having to drive to and fro and pay $8.50 for a beer.

In this instance, it would have been nice if the home team had let us know in advance they had no plans of actually showing up in the 2nd half. That would have spared all of us the rain soaking we endured. And I could have gotten a head start on re-reading the Book of Job, which has special meaning to Pussycat fans.

Then, after River City's post season hopes were washed away, the Arctic Vortex took it's turn to kick our asses further. It was about 0 degrees this am when Mistress had to go to that early Monday morning meeting. So not only were we denied our wake-up sex consolation prize, but we had to endure deep freeze conditions heading off to work, still on our Mountain Time shift daze.

It made us wish we had decided that "car trouble" prevented us from leaving our SW hideaway for a few more weeks, where the sun remains out and the ski slopes are much less crowded now that the holidays are over.

And why couldn't that cold front have slid into town 12 hours earlier? Instead the lads from San Diego had relatively balmy weather to avenge their freezer bowl loss to the Pussycats back in the 1980's.

I guess that leaves the sex blog NFL playoff wagering field clear for the possible confrontation between Miguel's Donkeys and Suzanne's Patsies in two weeks time.

I'm hoping for a mile high blizzard for that one. I wonder if Giselle has a special cock cage for Glamour Boy Brady when temperatures dip below 10 of so?