Ashley Madison Follies

As a somewhat experienced user of Ashley Madison, Mistress is well attuned to the fact that the odds of finding the "right fit" are pretty minuscule. But the fun part is getting an under the rock look at the freak show that passes for this gauzy on-line meat market of horny guys and "gals" (yes some men use that term on their profile to refer to the women of their wet dreams).

As Mistress's corresponding secretary, it's my job to cull the riff from the raff, and see if any potential "sidedish" can come close to meeting Mistress's exacting standards. The process is (very little) hit, and (a whole lot of) miss.  Nevertheless, Mistress does have a lunch set up for next week with one prospect, more likely, in our opinion, to turn more into a potential business connection than a roll in the hay. And we will both have dinner next Wednesday with another prospect who seems to get the cuckold dynamic that Mistress and her loyal Slave enjoy.

But the rejects are really more interesting. Here are some examples:

Cheater Town. There is a ex-urban town near here --  lets call it "West Lionel" for these purposes -- that seems to have a disproportionate  number of guys on the make. It's one of those "new" communities that sprouted along side an interstate over the last 20 years, with every conceivable fast food restaurant franchise and big box retailer you can imagine. Lots of sprauling subdivisions and abutting strip centers, and vestigal hospitals that branched out from the mother ships where the suburbanites are afraid to go because they have to drive through "the ghetto" to get there. Would it surprise you to know that their Congressman is the Speaker of the House?

In any event it seems to be chock full of "attached males" ranging from 28 to 55, and all of them seem to be clamoring for Mistress's attention. Setting aside the guys from the DC area and South America who were clogging her inbox last week, I would bet 1 in every 4 supplicants is from "West Lionel". Is there something in the water out there that sends guys into the purgatory of "loveless marriages",  or gives them some need to exploit their "very oral" propensities outside their own bedrooms?  Has AM launched some type of door to door marketing campaign out there to get these lonely and horny married guys to sign up in droves?  And if Slave opened his own AM page as a test, would I find a bunch of equally unfulfilled married ladies from West Lionel looking to unlock their inner sluts between the time they drop little Johnny off at the middle school and stick the casserole in the oven for dinner? 

Lovable Losers. Despite the warning in Mistress's profile that she does not respond to "winks" or lame emails like "how's your day, sweetie?", it's amazing how many guys try that approach anyway. Maybe it's because they are not confident in their spell check skills, one of the things Mistress has pointed out is a way she sorts contenders from pretenders. So those winks just get deleted, but sometimes Slave can't resist clicking on the profiles to see the "man" behind the cheap cum on. Here is a good one:

Preferences and encounters I am open to:

I love to eat pussy an fukn married women is such a turn on

What really turns me on:

a nymoho wife or two sisters mom daughter anything kinky an cheating lol

What I am looking for:

being naughty toys (dp) um love a wet bj. i love eating pussy an making women cummmm

For a moment I thought this might actually be the WC, based on the absence of punctuation. But then I realized that even he can spell "nympho".  And the profile shot of this skinny dude from Kentucky convinced me that it was not Miguel.  But I am still wondering if he's had much luck finding a mom /daughter combo to him a "wt bj". Maybe he needs to focus his hunt on West Lionel, where the women may have a lot of spare lunch hours available for that sort of fun.

Recognizable "Civic Leaders".  Then there is the guy who you actually know. In response to a request to see Mistress's "private showcase" (no face included), I usually scan the guy's profile to see if he meets the minimal standards Mistress has laid out - age, height and weight appropriate, reasonably articulate, yadda yadda. Here's one that met that initial screening:

Preferences and encounters I am open to:

Conventional Sex, Sensual Massage, Kissing, One-Night Stands, Extended Foreplay/Teasing, Gentleness, Cuddling & Hugging, Nothing Kinky, Likes to Go Slow

I believe no one person should have to be everything for another. It’s natural for someone to feel a powerful sense of attachment to a long term partner, while experiencing romantic love for somebody else and at the same time, feeling sexually attracted to a diverse range of people.
I would like to try exploring different dynamics with you — sexual, emotional, psychological and spiritual.

What really turns me on:

Confidence, Discretion/Secrecy, Petite Figure, Disease Free, Good Personal Hygiene, A Professional/Well Groomed, Sense of Humor, Muscular/Fit Body, Girl Next Door, Not Possessive, Stylish/Classy

interest in world affairs, arts & culture.

Some of these items are just "box checking". But there is a little bit of original prose in there that seemed acceptable enough to give him a better glimpse at Mistress and see what he might have to offer if given a chance.

So this morning when I clicked on the photo he sent back, I just about did a spit take with my morning latte. "FarmBoy500", is actually a guy we know who runs a large local civic institution. He's this unctuous weasel Mistress and Slave refer to as the "Undertaker" because he has that overly smooth and condescending manner that one associates with the guy looming at the back of a funeral home, mentally counting the dollars as the family and friends grieve. Even worse, we were both pissed off at the guy from a remark he made to us years ago at big civic Christmas Party, suggesting that Slave must have been having some side dishes of his own while Mistress was working out of town. Nasty. 

As I recall, he was a Minister in a prior life. Maybe his use of the word "spiritual" in his profile  was a tip-off I should have picked up on? It brings to mind some Bad movie from the 50's where the local minister is cleverly transitioning members of the ladies auxiliary into a tryst in the rectory after evening prayers.  

Fortunately, the photos he's seen of Mistress give him no idea of her identity. But now we know something about the "undertaker" we never wanted to know. What do we do now.

Mistress's Corresponding Secretary

We got back to River City late Saturday evening, and have been a little too busy since then: work demands, cranky mother maintenance, and getting ready for a move of the UCTMW World HQ at the end of the month. Add in getting our cute Co-Eds home from college over the next two weeks . . . it's a scary and somewhat stressful scenario.

Fortunately, we've been able to squeeze in plenty opportunities for slave to pleasure Mistress, with more than adequate reciprocation on her part. Particularly memorable was Sunday morning here in her executive suite. Slave deployed her favorite power tool until she responded with one of those quick, dirty and enthusiastic cums. And then there was some robust cock riding that seemed to curl Mistress's toes. She generously allowed me to take my own pleasure once she was fully sated, at least for the time being.

One assignment I've had over the last week or so was to repost Mistress's Ashley Madison profile. It's spring time, and Mistress is interested in expanding her portfolio of lovers. AM has been hit or miss for her in the past, but has certainly generated some blog fodder. Who could forget Cougar Week? But this time Mistress is going to be much more selective and patient with potential "sidedishes". And she has made it clear what my role is going to be.

" Slave, what I hate is looking at all those messages, winks, photo requests.... it's such a hassle sorting the contenders from the pretenders....you're going to be in charge this time."

What does that job include? 

Tuning up Mistress's profile.

Making sure some hot but not too slutty photos are lining her "private showcase", and turning it on for viewing by potential suitors. 

The more challenging part comes with reviewing and prioritizing the crazy assortment of solicitations that pop up in her "mailbox". Despite her clear requirements about height, availability and location, it seems AM must have broadcast her lead photo (sexy shot of her in lingerie and hose, without face of course) far and wide. How else do you explain all those solicitations for access to her "private showcase"  from Brasil, Australia and Canada. 

Sorry dudes.

Then there are the guys who want to show you their junk without any invitation to do so.  Slave is the one who gets to shield Mistress and hit the delete button.

When we traveled briefly to DC last week, AM (without asking) must have picked up the relocation of my lap top and sent the word to all those hounds in DC, Maryland and Virgina.  The word was out: "fresh meat in town". Slave must have deleted more than a hundred emails, winks and photos requests for Mistress's attention over 3 days. There was even a guy who claimed to work at the Italian Embassy,  wanting to take her out on a sailboat for wine tasting.  I showed that profile to Mistress, but she was unimpressed.

"He's a little too round Slave.... " He seemed more like a cook than diplomat. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

There have been a couple of "gentlemen" who passed the initial screening. Mistress authorized me to commence a more robust communication. I feel a little bit of a tease, using Mistress's "voice" to see if they are worth reeling in, or even meeting for coffee or a lunch.

One seems to get the whole cuckold thing, and has even forwarded Mistress some juicy photos taken from a Tumbr "hot wife" blog. (let's hope he doesn't stumble on UCTMW). I think Mistress gets off on making her Slave help her with her screening / cyber seduction of potential lovers.

"When we meet that one, you're coming too Slave....."

That could be an interesting lunch.

All Mine Boot Camp?

Mistress and her devoted Slave have been in our nation's capitol these last two nights. A meeting for Mick, and Mistress tagging along and doing some sight seeing and work in our room. It was good to get away from River City and decamp to a cozy hotel room with a very comfy double wide bed. Slave even went running on the morning to let Mistress sleep in before returning to some robust wake-up sex.

But being on the road did not take us away from our network of sex bloggers. Maybe some of you have noticed that Suzanne seems to have taken a particularly low profile these last couple of weeks. I now have it on good authority that she has taken Tammy and Jay off to a "boot camp" of sorts. Maybe all their travel was starting to annoy her? Who knows. But at least according to this picture someone slipped under my cyber transom, they are all going "back to basics".  I'd be curious to know how she twisted their arms into checking out of their regular lives for a few days for a refresher course on basic devotional skills. Maybe it was one of those  CIA style rendition where a black van full of goons pulls up and slips black bags over their heads? They wake up in some over upholstered dungeon with shock collars locked around their balls? It's a thought.

Hopefully after this retraining regime is completed Suzanne's team will be fully back in action for her entertainment and amusement. And ours.

Dear Molly and Mick - The Case of the Naked Primper and Her Whiny Husband

This is one of those days when, in search of blogfodder, we "borrow" a hapless request for advice (this time to "Dear Prudence") and give a more straight forward response than can be provided in "family friendly" publications:
 

Wife walks around nude

Dear Prudence, I am having a rather silly problem with my otherwise wonderful wife. She gets up early every morning before work to go to the gym, and then takes a shower when she gets back to our small, one-bedroom apartment. After her shower, she says she gets overheated easily while we're both getting ready for work. I can understand that -- I've already showered while she's gone, she's been exercising, and then she's showered, plus she needs to use a blowdryer to style her hair. But her way of dealing with this is to walk around almost naked (in just her bra and underwear) until she absolutely has to get dressed to leave for work. She eats breakfast like this, puts on her makeup this way -- she basically just goes about her morning routine with barely any clothes on and sometimes she skips the bra entirely. Under other circumstances, I would enjoy this. But when I'm trying to get myself ready for the day, this is kind of distracting. I find myself getting aroused, and since we're both trying to get out the door for work, it's a bad time for sex. But then I get to work and I'm frustrated all day long. I've tried raising this issue with her (delicately) and she gets offended that I can't control myself after we've been married for eight years, which I find offensive. She's the one walking around half-naked. How can I try to resolve this with her peacefully?

M & M Response:

Well this is certainly a first world problem isn't it? Some folks have a 5 mile walk to the nearest water supply, and you have to "endure" the spectacle of your attractive wife prancing around semi-attired in the morning, making your pathetic little dick all tingly?  We have a friend Suzanne who would suggest you go buy your wife a cock cage to lock on you so this "problem" will go away. Here at the UCTMW World HQ, Mistress also rejects the 1950's standards of morning attire that you seem to subscribe to. I'm sure Ward Cleaver never had to worry about June showing off her perky little breasts over her morning coffee. Lumpy Rutherford might pop in and be all scandalized.

We solve the problem by scheduling some early am wakeup sex to take the edge off, but only if Mistress is pleased with my preliminary worship services. And if she determines I am not worthy, she is more than happy to flaunt herself at the expense of me going off to work all horny and longing for her. And, by the way, it's not just in the morning I get the treatment which seems to try your cpacity for self control. How many times have I had to "endure" her nude sun bathing at our SW hideaway while I am doing my field slave duties, chopping back brush or persecuting prairie dogs? And when we are indulging ourselves in some "must see TV" here in the evening, she's usually in some short, silky lingerie, with her lady bits uncovered, teasing me with their proximity and provocative aroma.

Rather than whine about this "distraction", maybe it's time you "man up", fall to your knees and embrace your role as the hapless victim of her early morning tease and denial.

M & M

In case you are interested, here is the much lamer advice that Prudence provided to this whiner:

 

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Ah, tempus fugit! At this stage in my life, the way I turn off my husband is to walk around naked.  This is a sweet dilemma, so it's too bad you both get so annoyed with each other over the fact that after eight years the sight of your undressed wife bouncing around the apartment is so arousing. I get letters from women wishing that their husbands weren't lounging around with the family jewels draped over the upholstery (they do not find it a turn-on).  But I think yours is the first from a guy who finds his wife's toilette so distracting he can't get out the door.  But surely, once you're at the office, you are able to focus on the marketing data and don't spend the whole day moaning over your morning testicular vasocongestion. If you're not able to move on and save it for later, you sound very juvenile. Instead of continuing to fight over this, try taking action  (not the kind of action that will make you late for work). Buy a pretty, short, sheer robe for your wife and give it to her as a gift. Explain that she's so damn attractive that if she were a little more covered in the morning it would help you focus on the day ahead. Tell her she of course doesn't have to wear it, but you know that color looks great on her, and you hope it's lightweight enough that she can put it on without getting overheated. Let's hope that she takes your gesture in good spirit and likes the robe. Of course, if it's silky and sexy, seeing her in it may have the unintended consequence of overheating you.