From the Desk of Our (Appalled) CEO

 

Dear Readers:

Yes, we have been on and off again with you here at UCTMW. Such is our life. Like you, we are busy. Luckily we get back to the empty nest later today, after we drop our surly Co-Ed off at the airport for her 2nd semester,  and can resume  a more robust degree of debauchery. This is not to mean that we will locate others to join us in this pursuit any time soon, despite some recent and frustrating efforts.

We have almost given up thinking that we will find an ensemble cast scenario as compelling as the one over at “All Mine.” We often say WOW – how did the three of them find one another? (Not even counting the occasional cameo appearance of Suzanne’s sister Sherry). Based upon the somewhat fleeting rogue's gallery of supporting actors and actresses who have stumbled across the stage here at the UCTMW World HQ, we are not quite as fortunate.

We have not been completely dormant here in the past two months. No excitement please; there has not been any conjugal visits between suitors and me or us since before the holidays. But while I have kept the door open a crack, I am darn close to closing up shop on the “search”. The more men encountered – the more I scratch my head. Are people really this confused? Or disingenuous? Or do we just have a knack for unearthing the most peculiar whack jobs who have walked our quaint River valley?

I do have some training in psychology – but some of what I have encountered defies modern science’s understanding of the human condition. Some reasons observed or given for why yours truly has not  “scored” of late:

1)   The WC: well, this would be a model situation, if only…. And those of you who read – know the challenges here. We love you WC! And at least we now know you really exist. Get well soon!

2)   Jay: our Jay seems to like me too much actually to be involved with me. What red-blooded American male will not just provide the service without some guarantee of a “happily ever after” future involved? I seem to have met him. No Jay, it’s really not all that confusing.

3)   K: his cyber girlfriend, who lives 1000 miles away, gets jealous of what he might be doing when she is not around. He sees her every few months and gets hot and bothered in between. Ergo, he texts me. Great sex – yes, great eye candy – but not the most interesting man ever. Constantly guilt-ridden about cyber-wife, oh well. Way too much trouble.

4)   One you never learned of – Married – and I basically am anti-married guy. Lots of info shared. Bread broken. Guess what – he doesn’t cover his tracks thoroughly – wife gets suspicious   – he gets nervous. Major 911 – yea dude—told you cheating is NOT a good idea. Yes, heard from him again last week. No thanks buddy. And you want to  Collar me???

5)   Another cougar week foray; D. Yes, great sex. Fun and entertaining free spirit. But you neglected to tell me about your CRIMINAL RECORD. And not a good idea for me to be at your place next time the police come calling. I know that you love to snowboard – but you are not invited to our mountain hide-a-way.

So readers, without telling you, in the last week or so  we did a brief  nostalgia back into Ashley Madison  and Collar me – and some of what we found – and know that I have not met any of these guys face to face, is even more appalling – a few dispatches from the field:

1)   A potentially interesting Dude retired from the Marines (a flyer) and a boxer – but (after one brief conversation) says “I am already developing feelings for you and you are married”  (Well, yea. Didn't I make that clear? ) Another would be “Dom” with the sensitivity of a butterfly. 

2)   A guy from down river who chats me up via email and then  says, ”Let’s talk, but I need to first get a throw-a-way phone”.  (What? That much paranoia already?  no thanks.)

3)   Guy who’s “private showcase” of photos shows some very hot abs! Claims to be single. But then says, “I want to meet you but cannot give you my full name till I see you face-to-face”. (security reasons!). Is this guy in the CIA, or maybe the KGB? Could it be General Petraeus, a tad bored? No, this girl likes to do a little due diligence research first before meeting face to face.

4)   Another guy from down river, says he is “legally separated”. Gives me his name and facebook friends me. Hooked up by Linked In too. Intriguing, I suppose, though a bit of a name dropper. But how old is he really? On AM he says he’s 55. His facebook page says he’s 63.  Why lie about your age, compadre?

What am I doing wrong here, friends?

Any tips?

The appalled,

Molly

The Brady "Slide": A UCTMW Investigative Report

Deadspin.com has gotten some attention in the last two weeks for their hard hitting investigative reporting on whether a certain naive linebacker made up his dead girlfriend, or if someone made her up for him.

It made me realize that we've lost our edge here at UCTMW in recent months, what with our Western Correspondent continuing to malinger on a long running worker's comp leave, and our Senior Correspondent trolling for cute cat pictures on the internet.

Ah well, I suppose it's time for Mick to don his Sherlock Holmes chapeau and see what I can unearth.

But in truth, it was actually Suzanne over at All Mine that got me onto this story.

Last Sunday, as Mistress snoozed through the second half of an endless NFL play-off double header, Suzanne (who was home with Tammy watching her beloved Patriots lay a 2nd half goose egg against the Ravens) and I were trading emails about the deterioration of Tom Brady's game in recent years.

And the one thing that symbolized it was a rather bizarre "slide" late in the first half.  You can see the video here: (Brady Slide video).  My first impression was that he looked like an un-co-ordinated dork. But on further review, it may be that he was "fending off" Raven safety Ed Reed in a not too veiled effort to "eunuchize" the guy who has feasted on interceptions from Brady and other NFL QB's over the years.  Now the NFL has socked Brady with a $10,000 fine,  apparently concluding that his upraised leg was not just a "spaz attack", but more akin to Pete Rose trying to take out a catcher.

Classy.

Suzanne also tutted about Brady's failure to run for a first down in the 2nd half, when a forced throw ended yet another drive for her Pats.

So what accounts for this "slide" in Tom Brady's performance?  Suzanne speculated it was the "curse of Gisele", his super-model wife.

"They haven't won a Super Bowl since the big wedding day."

Hmmmm..... Is it just bad luck, or is Gisele doing something to Tom that has made him lose that competitive edge?

Suzanne had a theory: "Maybe she's fucking him in the ass..... ?"

Ah, the possible sissification of the guy who used to be the NFL's most potent stud-muffin.  That might explain it. Could there  be evidence?  Sure enough, as I trolled about the internet, there was plenty:

Certainly Gisele cuts an authoritative path:

And Tom has begun sporting the trappings of sub status:

Some recent images of the two of them together makes it pretty clear through their body language who is in charge, doesn't it?

And what about this shot? That's them right?

So over a few short years, with some intensive "therapy", Tom Brady has turned from the guy who would risk all to score that winning TD in a snowstorm, to this guy:

It made me wonder what Gisele picks out for him to wear under those tight football pants and jersey before a big game. Amazingly, I was able to get to the bottom of that too:

Very cute, don't you think?

But as Suzanne ultimately concluded: "Not that there's anything wrong with that."

Well I suppose I can see her point of view. 

Abstinence Day Redux?

It's been cold here in River City this week.... not "cups of boiling water freezing in your hand" cold as Sin was touting from the great north... but cold enough for Mistress to forego her black tights for her black satin pants yesterday.  And while Slave is a tights fetishist going back to my elementary school days, I must say I enjoy the texture and feel of those satin pants.

With the sullen teen home, and an early performance for me yesterday morning, Slave and Mistress also had to forego our traditional wake-up sex on Thursday morning.  So it was fortunate that Mistress was able to stop by my office after a lunch meeting. It did not take her long to wriggle out of those black satin pants and assume her proper position on her "throne", once it was pressed against my office door.  Slave was quickly on his knees, serving up a little post-lunch dessert.

Of course, my "reward" was expected later, in the privacy of the executive suite.

At the end of the day our daughter was hungry. And since she has elected to be a vegetarian, and the cupboard was running bare, we elected to walk down to a little neighborhood restaurant for dinner. By the time we were home, and some of the household chores were finished we retired to the our room, a tad later than normal.

Slave offered to perform his husbandly duties, but Mistress demurred. 

"Slave, I'm quite satisfied after today's lunchtime worship....  you'll just have to wait until morning."

Gulp.

Now we used to have a weekly abstinence day here at UCTMW, applicable only to Slave of course.

"It's good for you to exercise a little self control now and then, Slave", was the message.

And I am overly pampered, as some of you have noted regularly.

I'm wondering ... is Mistress is deciding to exercise a little more of her authority over her Slave?

Sent to Our Room

The nest is filling up again, at least through Sunday.

Our well traveled daughter is back from the land down under, looking tanned, and having fully exploited the 18 year drinking age there with her buddies, who are  on their summer holiday. (I'm still waiting for the Creationists to explain why God would ever make it summer on one hemisphere and winter on another.)

We picked her up late Tuesday night at the airport, after fully exploiting our last evening alone this week here at the UCTMW World HQ

Then last night, after I made dinner, as she sprawled across our couch and worked on the photos from her adventure, we asked if she'd like to watch a TV show with us.... maybe the latest episode of Girls, or Californication.

She looked at us with the disdain that only a 19 year old can muster.

"Why don't you just go to your room."

Well, OK. Why argue with that "sentence".  There were some clean shaven folds to worship, after all.