Update from the Hideaway

Our week a way has certainly flown by quickly here. We've been out skiing everyday, though the local drought has taken a toll on the snow base. Hopefully there will be some left when we return in about a month.

There have been late afternoon naps, a smidgen of work dragging us back to reality from time to time,  plenty of morning and afternoon sex, glorious sunsets, and some evenings our with friends and music. We even met an aging hippie in a cowboy hat who told us his stories from the 60's - complete with plenty of peyote (for religious purposes, of course), communes, and building Dennis Hopper's "Captain America" chopper for "Easy Rider". 

While the temperatures are cool still, when the sun is out, Mistress has had trouble resisting the chance to expose her lovely legs to its warming glow:

But with temperatures ranging from the 30's to the 50's on most days, Mistress has not quite gone this far in searching of that late winter tan:

Heck, it's still ski season!

Where's the Pattern?

Mistress was in  SW nirvana here yesterday morning before we headed up the mountain for skiing: it's so warm that for breakfast she was sitting out on our patio, sunning herself in her undies, while eating re-warmed  spelt pizza with goat cheese and mushrooms left over from the night before.

"This is heaven, Slave...."

"But remember pizza isn't just for breakfast anymore, Mistress."

But the real subject of today's blog is not the expanding boundaries of breakfast food, but something that Donna our Senior Correspondent has been prodding me about. Can any of you find a pattern in these recent rankings of the states?

First, there is the "duration of sex" survey posted here last week, which says that in New Mexico the average duration of each act of intercourse exceeds 7 minutes, the longest interval in the nation. On the other hand, Alaska comes in last, at less than 2 minutes:

Here's the link showing the time for each state.

Then there is this "Gallup Well Being"  survey of all 50 states, measuring various factors such as healthy habits, financial security, workplace contentment, etc. In this one, North Dakota ranks the highest,  and the bottom 5 are Ohio,  Alabama, Mississippi, Kentucky and West Virginia come in last.

New Mexico, a poor state, exceeds expectations on this survey, coming in not far from the middle. Maybe that's because while folks are poor they spend more time in the sack, which has to generate good vibes, right? But then what explains why West Virginia is near the bottom on "well being" but ranks second when it comes to taking time to fuck (even if it might be a kissin' cousin)? And our home state of Ohio - well it's lagging behind on both fronts.

Finally, there is this survey of states based on the location of various "hate groups":

Hate Map 2013

I can't get the map take on this page, but if you click on it you see that the the number of documented hate groups, as cataloged by the Southern Poverty Law Center varies from state to state. There are surprisingly few in New Mexico though: maybe all that time engaged in the act of love leaves little time left over for hate? But again, the 2nd place state of West Virginia on the sex duration index also has a large contingent of haters.  Go figure?

If you can find any correlations here, please let us know dear readers. Now I'm going back to bed with Mistress to see if we can once again hit above our state wide average.

Our Western Correspondent Signs Off From Sochi

Here in the sunny SW, spring seemed to have arrived in mid-January. The snow we left here after the holidays has long since disappeared from our yard, although there is just enough for skiing up on the mountain. We had some visitors yesterday who we showed around the mountain. But at least they did not arrive too early for some lovely wake-up sex here in the Sangres.

We hope our week here will be less eventful than the WC's rampage through Sochi, where he seems to have burned through the UCTMW corporate credit line, and doesn't even have an overpriced Cossack horse whip to present our Publisher as a souvenir from all that cavorting. I guess maybe I should be grateful?

(SOCHI)  Well the WC is flying over the pond

On a Russian Billionaire's G5

Interesting story about how this happened

I rented a Cossack uniform for the party 

And then rented a horse

Those  pseudo Cossacks sucked without horses

SO

I bought a horse

Went riding into the party swinging my whip

This old fat Russian guy said

Amercinski comrade!!!!

Come to me!!!!!!

Are you a true Cossack??????

I am comrade......... I said

Do you want to go to Vegas tommorow????

Guess I could but what is there waiting for us?

What ever we want Amercinski!!!!

I'm on board!!!!!

 I told my new friend!!!!!!!!!!!

So I am flying over the pond

With Geshias stepping on my back

Boy

Those gals can really step....

Long story short about how the Geshias got on board 

Mick.....

But rest assured the Tycoon paid for it

BTW Mick I really so need that $250,000.00

By TOMMOROW 

In my account when I hit Vegas

Seriously....

I only have $95 K in cash in my wallet 

Dude 

Come on and wire the cash

I know we kid each other about the company finances

But who has been doing the heavy lifting and bringing in the clients lately

All you do is fuck Molly twice a day

While I have been slaving away in Russia

Mick

Did you get a ride from a Russian Tycoon on his G5?????????

Hell this guy could buy Rupert Murdoch

I know you have your sights on buying Fox News

You of who

I should have a vote for every dollar I pay in taxes

You plutocrat you!!!!

Once again

Shame on you Mick Collins!!!!!!

Well a Geisha said it was her duty to entertain me

And I am in the mood for a blow job

So

The WC is signing off

And stop give me shit about spending your hard earned cash

After all I am the rain maker around here

Just ask Sue

Your humble employee

WC

The Pros and Cons of Slavery

Mistress and slave arrived at our little SW hideaway very early Saturday morning. And so far we are getting into the New Mexico groove.... We took our time with our early morning still groggy from all that travel wake-up sex. Then later after some skiing and a nap, there a more robust pre-dinner exploration of each other's bodies. I really am a pampered Slave, aren't I?

Of course, back of mind during our afternoon session was  that "scientific" study showing the average length of intercourse in each of the 50 states.

"Maybe we need an hour glass to turn over just when we get started to see exactly how long it takes, Mistress?"

With or without a timer, it seemed we exceeded our two states' combined averages, before we settled back to a resting phase.

Then it was get dressed and head out to dinner with two couples - one from Texas and one from Oklahoma -  who are also in town for a a few days.

It was over dinner and after we had all shared a few beverages that the conversation took a rather bizarre turn.

You know how these things go.... from movies we have seen,  to "12 Years a Slave", and then Ol' Mick brings up the recent incident at Ole' Miss involving a noose, a confederate flag, and the statute of James Meridith. My goal was to tell about an interview with Mr. Meridith - who apparently thinks his statute should be removed and calls it a "false idol". But I never got there.

Instead June - a nearly 60  something woman with overly enhanced breasts - reveals she has her graduate degrees from Ole' Miss and launches into a long monologue about how "sure slavery was terrible BUT.... ". You know the story .... there were good traditions that came of it, most slaves were happy, lots of owners treated their slaves well...... yadda and yadda. You could almost hear Dixie playing in the background.

Jaws were dropping. This Slave tried valiantly to save June from further embarrassment  by going in a different direction, as Mistress looked on with that knowing eye that said 'be careful Slave"....

"Well really June, it's just a matter of that whole "involuntary servitude" thing... I mean if someone knowingly volunteers to be a slave, without coercion, and the owner accepts responsibility that would be just fine, wouldn't it?"

She failed to grab the lifeline I was throwing her..... and kept up with her defense of the "peculiar institution".... so I kept adding fuel to my diversionary fire....

"I mean what if you had a written contract you negotiated with your Master or Mistress.... you could even have a checklist of things you were consenting to in advance.... whips.... check..... chains.... check...., attend to the Master's needs... check"

At that point I think Mistress kicked me under the table.....

June apparently thinks I am seriously engaging her on the merits of pre-Civil War slavery, and renews her rant about my stubborn inability to appreciate these matters from the point of view of a plantation owner, who had to work in a very competitive marketplace to fend for his family.

Maybe it was this point that I tried my last smutty diversion.

June was sitting next to me and I put my arm around her shoulder:

"The key is voluntary, June.... I mean what if I volunteered to be your Slave...."

At that point she finally got that I was kidding.... her eyes lit up..... ""Oh yeah, I get it .... handcuffs.... 50 shades of grey.... So that's where you're into, Mick?"

We all laughed, her rant was broken, and the conversation turned to something less divisive.... like how long sex lasts in our respective states. We decided there should be an hour glass built for every state's average time span.... with a big one for New Mexico, and a very small one for Ohio.

But I wonder if Mistress will discipline me for my acting out last night?

On the Road Again

Mistress and Slave are heading west today for a week at our SW hideaway. There's some talk that the WC may come down to visit. He certainly has some 'splaining to about the outrageous bills he's run up on his reportorial expedition to Sochi. I mean, how can you pay $31,250.85 for room service  at a hotel in some podunk town in Russia, when you are also running up charges of $12,684.50 for restaurant meals? (At least service was included.) And should it really cost $4625.42 to rent a fucking  1988 Lada with standard transmission for a week? I thought they had some fancy new public transportation system that Putin built just for the games. Somehow I think the WC will want to have this discussion via Skype.

Fortunately, Mistress and Slave are heading to New Mexico, where according to a recent study, folks take more time having sex than in any other state in our "union". Here is the link:Which states have the longest and shortest sex. According to this study, which may be the product of questionable methodology,  when in New Mexico couples take on average 7:01 minutes to have sex. But here in our so called home state, we only take 2:18 minutes per sexual intercourse.

Here is a chart which gives you a sense of where folks  take their time vs. where it's "slam bang, pass my laptop over honey."

Now I know you're probably  asking --- what are they counting? When I heard numbers in the two minute range, I said to myself "heck, you've barely started the oral worship phase of love making in that amount of time, Slave." But apparently they are not counting foreplay. These times only include the time from urgent insertion to withdrawal in a heap of sweaty exhaustion. But even so, Slave is at an age where the "quick release" is a thing of the past. I guess that's why no one has asked me to suit up as the Pussycats QB?

It does not surprise me that New Mexicans take more time than anywhere else. Life is at a slower pace there for us, and seemingly for most of the folks with whom we interact. Where else do you hear a radio ad for a fence company where the tag line on the ad is "we actually show up when we say we will." So if you take a little extra time in the sack before heading to the office, who's gonna notice?

But what's a little troubling is that West Virginia is second on the list. I associate that state more with black lung and cross breeding. Is reduced lung capacity another explanation for a guy taking longer to get there?

Maybe some of our readers have a theory on why their states place poorly on this chart. Suzanne, I notice that in Massachusetts you get it over with quicker than in New Hampshire and Connecticut. Does that have something to do with Tom Brady or the Red Sox?

In any event, we are looking forward to some slow developing cums in the next week or so.... but wherever you are, just stick the stop watch in the bedside table and enjoy yourselves.

HNT / Crack That Whip

Lots of things to share with our devoted readers, who I expect turn to this page first thing every morning to find out what's really happening in the world of sex, sports, and personal grooming.

First off, I had promised to share some photos of Mistress's V-Day gift, which she has taken a shine too.... Other than when she's suited up for work or the gym, it seems she has been in this silky confection all week. I do like the way you can see her tasty little nubs poking through the front. Don't you?

In addition, I thought I would share this story reporting on the Twelve Most Sexually Satisfied Countries in the World. I must say I was a little surprised to see Switzerland at the top of the list. We traveled there once, and it seemed like a very uptight group. But then it's also a pretty prosperous place, giving them the leisure time to pursue more carnal objectives.  You have to admit that Roger Federer sure looks like he's never had a problem scoring, on or off the court.

Not particularly surprising to me was the absence of the USA, Canada, Ireland,  England and Russia from the list. I guess those are the up tight countries?  Another way to look at it: If your country's team made the semi-final in Men's or Women's hockey at the Sochi Olympics, the odds are you've not been getting your fair share of nooky.  I would enjoy hearing from our readers who live in nation's that did not make the list what they will be doing in the coming year to pick up the slack.

Finally, speaking of Russia, I am sure all of you heard about the shocking incident in Sochi yesterday when roving Cossacks deployed horse whips on members of the band Pussy Riot , who had assembled in their tight dresses and ski masks to sing a tune that poked a little fun at Dear Leader Putin. Here is one link with some video: Cossacks Whip Pussy Riot Maybe they were still cranky about their Hockey team falling to the mighty Finns?

So the post- Communist Russians have revived the Cossack tradition, the guys who were Czarist heavies best known for the Pogroms that burned Jewish villages back in the day? In this country it would be like letting the KKK provide extra security at the Alabama / Auburn game.

(I hear some of you saying: "You mean they don't do that down there?)

When this news broke, I immediately got on the gonzo-wire and asked our Man in Sochi to untangle himself from the Geishas and hit the streets to provide some in depth analysis from his unique perspective:

(Sochi) Cossacks???????

Cossacks???????

WTF is going on around here!!!

Well the big story around the Olympic village is

Cossacks whip Pussy......................... Riot

What is this, one of Donna, Sin or Nila's stories?

Seriously Cossacks?

I though they were all killed off 500 years ago!!

Nope the  reporters around here aren't buying it

Why those Cossacks didn't even have horses.....

Had to be fake Cossacks hired for a promotional stunt to promote Pussy Riot

That is one school  of thought here in the Olympic village among the jaded press corps

Course if you watch the video

Could be just a bunch of assholes dressed as Cossacks (sans horses) hired by Putin

Putin............ why didn't you pay a little  extra for horses, man????

Then you could have sold the story to Fox News 

My vote goes to the asshole theory

Course I knew this country is a few years behind the times

But 500 years??????????

Oh well I am happy to report that the Olympic village has not yet been sacked by Cossacks

If they come rest assured the WC has a foolproof escape plan.......

James Bond style

With Pussy Riot!

Oh well I still haven't made it up to the Alpine skiing venue to actually watch the races

Been too busy right here is Sochi

BTW

Shout out right here to the Japanese national Geisha girls team

GREAT JOB LAST NIGHT GEISHA GIRLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nevetheless............. as the Seer of Sochi predicted 

Ted Liggety wins gold in the Grand Slalom

The Seer saw once again

Its just a gift I have

Oh well

Got to go my friends

Heard these alleged Cossacks are having a party

Got to go watch the hijinks  that ensue 

Your man is Sochi is going into the lions den

Mick 

SEND LAWYERS GUNS AND MONEY  if you don't hear from me......

The in danger's path 

Intrepid reporter always

WC

Thanks, WC. I am wondering if 'Nilla can come up with a story involving Cossacks and Horse Whips. (But please, no tentacles, unless they take some Cossack's ass!).

"A Frank and Open Dialog"

After wake up sex here at the UCTMW World HQ, Mistress and Slave headed over to our gym. Mistress did a spinning class, and Slave did his more solo work-out.  We met up in the lobby about 75 minutes later and as we stepped out into another snowy morning....

Mistress: "That's 7 days in a row of spinning, Slave...."

Slave: "Wow. Your legs must be feeling it...."

Mistress: "They are.... but they feel strong...."

Slave: "Strong and hot, Mistress. I bet you could squash my head like a walnut between those pwerful thighs if I failed to please you."

Mistress: "Then you'd better keep doing a good job, Slave."

I think that last part turned the head of the little old lady passing us on the sidewalk.

Our Western Correspondent Is Not Exactly a Good Luck Charm

Mistress and Slave extended their streak of twofers to a third day in a row here in our empty nest. Is it the endless snow that keeps falling here that makes us want to huddle under the sheets in Mistress's executive suite for shared bodily warmth? Or is it the continued romantic vibes that come with Valentine's Day? In any event, Mistress spent most of the day in the black silk nightie I got her for V Day, and Slave made sure it was put to good use.

Whatever it was that inspired us, we seem to have exceeded in just a few days what last Sunday's article on gender roles and marital sex said is the monthly quota for a sissy like me who helps with the cooking and the laundry. I guess I am one lucky Ol' Slave.

But one group that seems out of luck is the USA Olympic Team that our Western Correspondent was b touting a week ago. His heroes - Bode Miller, Julie Mancuso, Ted Ligety, Shaun White - are all underperforming on the slopes. Is the WC an American albatross, jinxing their performance? Even switching from their trendy new high speed suits did not seem to jumpstart the USA speed skaters, who seem about as quick on the track as my cranky Mom heading to the ladies room.

It's gotten to the point where the WC has been forced to whine about his generous pay, and cover Swedish Yogistas and Lebanese skiers in his in search for any uplifting good news in Sochi for our readers:

(SOCHI) Well I want to start off by thanking my friend Suzanne

She told the Plurocrat  Mick Collins to finally give me a raise

Haven't had one since I bought the little shack on the slopes of Vail

This guy is worse than Rupert!!!!

Why just yesterday he said he should have a vote for every dollar he pays in taxes

Shame on you Mick Collins!

Molly you should lock him up for a month 

Just on general principle .....

Well on to serious sports reporting,,,,

We will see if my little editorial comment survives the evil  editors pen

OMG!

The naked Swedish yoga workout was great!!

Hottest ticket in town

I had a perfect view 

Front row in the middle

From the rear!

My god those girls can really twist themselves into unusual positions

I have never seen bottoms spread so wide!

And labias too!!!!!

My sharp reporters instinct told me to ask them if they liked showing off

I asked the question because many of the wide open vagina's seamed wet to  my  poor old eyes

Oh yes they gushed 

Makes us very horney they said

Of course I did not bother to correct their English

Do I look stupid????????

Well I was just minding my own business in the back when a comely yoga girl came up and asked if she could do the upside down lotus while I put my finger up her ass

Ever the gentleman, I happily assisted her 

While she furiously rubbed her clit and gushed all over the place

Needless to say the poor old WC's cock was hard as a rock

But......

Then she just stood up 

And said thanks

THANKS I SAID?????

What about me???????????

She just walked off shaking her head

Americans !!!

The poor old WC was befuddled 

Well off to Japanese geisha girl party

I hear they treat American journalists better.....

Your hard working and under paid intrepid reporter 

WC

Well at least the poor Swedish yogistas did not persuade the WC to take off that cute black leotard.

Our Man in Sochi Goes Undercover for an Exclusive

Things worked out as planned here in River City for this crafty Slave. 

Mistress seemed surprised and pleased with the Valentine's Day gift bestowed upon her.... she may even pose for a little photo shoot later today!

As a result, Slave got "lucky" both before work, and later yesterday evening when I broke free from the office, and drove home in a snow storm to spend a romantic evening at home tending to her needs.


Of course, I probably would have gotten lucky without a suitable V Day gift, but it certainly didn't hurt.

But as the snow was falling here in the heartland (and on our snow bound friends from North Carolina to Massachusetts), it was melting in Sochi, where our Western Correspondent was running out of leads. Fortunately, I spotted this article (jacky-chamoun-a-lebanese-skier-deals-with-fallout-from-topless-photos/) in the Washington Post about a member of the Lebanese Ski team who had got her tits in a metaphorical  wringer about a nude video that popped up on you tube this week. 

Here's a link to the video: Jackie Chamoun

First, who knew they skied in Lebanon? When they slalom do they use land mines rather than gates? 

But I guess the story about a Lebanese skier taking it all off on the slopes is preferable to more Hezbollah Hijinks. 

I immediately got in touch with our intrepid reporter on the ground to see if he could get to the root of this breaking news. Here's what We got back from our Imbed in the Olympic Village:

Dateline Sochi.

Well my senior editor ordered me to interview a Lebanese skier named Jackie Chamoun

I dutifully complied 

WTF happened to the Burkas???????????

This chick likes to get naked outdoors all the time!

What a peach!

Being a gentalman I won't kiss and tell

But

I fucked the shit out of her on the luge run at 5 AM

These Ruskies don't lock anything!!!!

Her ass got pretty cold as she was on the bottom

But as I told her 

Just be glad you are not the top person on the doubles luge!!!

She thought that was pretty funny from an American 

Doesn't say much for my humor ..........

But a good time was had by all till a Russian Security guard named Ivon kicked us out

Oh well......

Mick your advise about the Vodka was right on

These Ruskies drink me under the table

I asked  my new friend Boris where the pot store was

He asked.... potinski store??????

We get sent to Siberia for potinski!!!!!!!!

Oh well behind the times as usual  

He sadly shook his head

"I am required to go to the figure skating event tonight" Boris told me

But figure skating sucks I said

"Lets go fuck some more Ex Burka girls" I complained 

No Miguel............ he said.......

"They need peeps in the seats"  he said

Well got to go my friends

Got an invite to the Swedish woman's olympic team nude yoga class

And i get to stand in the back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Your hard working reporter in Sochi

Miguel

Thanks Miguel. Glad to know you are willing to risk reoccurrence of frostbite for the Special Occasion Cock to get an exclusive.

Valentine's Day Greetings from Molly and mick

Mistress and Slave have a laid back Valentine's Day planned. We already covered the romantic dinner this week. And yesterday we had more hot sex than most couples will score on the real Valentine's Day. There was that traditional wake-up sex. Then, after work, with nothing on our agenda but an improvised dinner, there was some slow and languorous love making in the UCTMW executive suite. So whatever happens this morning, or tonight will be (red) gravy!

At some point, Mistress confessed that she had not gotten me a Valentine's Day card. "I know. You think it's a bogus holiday, Slave."

 I suppose I do. Something pumped up by Hallmark and  the floral/ retail / restaurant industrial complex  to give them a quick cash fix 45 days after the Christmas shopping season peters out. But that doesn't mean Slave is a fool! I did pick up something for Mistress at a local lingerie store, in the spirit of the season.

Just because some cynical old Slave thinks Valentine's Day is a made up holiday, doesn't mean Mistress thinks that way. No, I didn't get her  this:

 That would have seemed to "all about me". Although, let's face it, buying Mistress sexy lingerie is kind of all about me, isn't it?

And although I didn't get a card to go with my present, this sort of captures my cynical attitude about V Day:

But despite my cynicism, somehow I think I will still get Mistress naked today.

Mistress and Slave Have an Early Valentine's Day

Back here in River City, Mistress and Slave decided to beat the crowds and have our romantic Valentine's Day dinner early. Mistress saw an invitation with a special 5 course meal and wine pairings at a restaurant within walking distance, so we signed up. After a brief but satisfying worship session here at the UCTMW World HQ, we put on our boots last night for a crunchy walk through the hard packed snow to indulge. A nearly full moon was rising. 

Muy Romantico.

But when we arrived, we realized there had been a serious miscommunication. This "romantic dinner" was set up in a brightly lit room, at communal tables, and a very geeky and annoying crowd was already gathered. It was the sort of crowd that clearly did not want  to celebrate Valentine's Day where you actually had to carry a one-on-one conversation with your true love through 5 courses and the accompanying wine.

We considered aborting our mission, but Mistress, ever resourceful quickly deployed her charm and considerable persuasion skills..... soon the owner's wife was sheparding us to the nearly empty regular dining room to a very private table. We had not only avoided the crowd of wine geeks, we had also scored a corner to ourselves where the staff brought us our 5 courses and paired wine through a very lovely evening. 

(This being River City, the only other couple there all night included one of Mistress's high school class mates, on what looked like a Match.com first date, but fortunately they sat on the other side of the room).

By the end of the evening, Mistress and Slave were considerably tipsy, and grateful that we had walked rather than driven. It was a nicely saved V Day for us, and we hope all our readers get to share the day with their special someone.

But that may not include our dedicated Western Correspondent, who has resurfaced in Sochi after a few days off our radar. We were a little nervous that he had been subject to some cruel rendition by sadistic Caucasus Rebels, or former KGB dead enders, particularly after we saw how he was dressed for the Games:

Apparently he did not get the State Department memo about trying to blend in, and deemphasizing the red, white and blue. But it turns out he's just been simmering in the international melting pot, and soaking up the local spices, like any good sex blog sports reporter should do:

Well the poor old WC resurfaces .......

I took Vladi's ticket to the peep show at the woman's showers

They were great holes!!!!

Things were going great

Vladi was happily jerking off

I was watching the show with interest

When the Russian woman Hockey team caught us

OMG!!!!!!!!!!

Have you ever had a whole naked hockey team chasing you with big sticks

The poor old WC was scared to death.........

Well long story short

They caught us

I resurface two days latter and let me tell you

It was great!!!!!!!!!

Those Russia hockey players rock!!!!!! Particularly, Anna Prugova.

Well so much for my ordeal

On to the games

Bodie missed out

Too bad but he might still win  metal

I am so over figure skating     WTF!!!!!!!!

Shawn White is old too....

Mancuso rocks like a rock star

So what if she is  the daughter of a drug kingpin

Love the different/backwards human interest story

Well got to go

I'm reporting on all the kinky sex going on around here

Have an invite to the Bulgarian  woman curling party tonight!

Word is they tie you down naked and tickle your balls with their  brooms

Can't wait!!!!

Your man from Sochi

WC

Thanks, WC. Go easy on the vodka. 

Wouldn't curling be a lot more interesting if they did it in bikinis, like beach volley ball. It couldn't hurt NBC's ratings!