On "Straying".

I thought I would take a break from the day to day sexual antics here at the UCTMW World HQ and flashback a bit, inspired by a post a few days back by Sin on the subject of men and their proclivity to “stray”.

Sin’s theory was that men crave “variety”, which may be supported by the old biological imperative to sow those dna particles wide and far.

Of course, Sin’s not the only one talking about this subject. The recent public meltdown of a certain New York Congressman got tongues wagging on the subject “what is it about these guys”.

The New York Times had an article Sunday, linked here http://www.nytimes.com/2011/06/19/fashion/scholars-discuss-weiners-behavior.html?_r=1&ref=anthonydweiner, which trots out some experts to speculate on why the male political class tend to get caught with their dicks twisting in the wind. As one “expert” opines, “Most people who get as far as he’s gotten are high testosterone people … Along with that ambition comes a high sex drive.” Another Prof claims that “men, particularly successful men, have an evolutionary history of polygamy.”

Of course, for folks like Mitt Romney, that history is only a generation or so removed.

But, Mick, you ask, isn’t this kind of boring?

Next you’re going to be talking anthropology, and we’re going to look elsewhere for our fun.

Okay, lets get a little more personal.

Let me talk from personal experience.

Back in the day – I’m talking late 60’s up until I discovered Molly  in 1988– Mick was a bit of a Wiener, so to speak. But of course that was before Twitter. I didn’t do my talking by text message. I did it the old fashioned way, one slap and tickle at a time.

When Mistress and I had our own crisis abut my fidelity, which led to my signing the contract that gives title to this blog, I found the need to consult with a psychologist here in River City.

I picked a woman I had dealt with in a professional capacity. Someone who specialized in sexual matters. But a grandmotherly type who I knew who call things straight and not tell me what she thought I wanted to hear.

One of my first “homework assignments” was to prepare a list of all the women I’d had sex with in my adult life.

I figured this would be easy, but as I started writing, I started remembering, and the list got longer. And longer.

It made for an ugly pattern.  While a few were one or two night stands, most were real relationships, extending for months or even years, and overlapping with other relationships.

I traveled more for business in those days. So there were women in Chicago. New York. DC.

You get the picture.

Am I sounding like Rif Dog?  Well there was some of that to it, but I was not nearly as swaggering-ish about it. And that was before anything like Ashley Madison which facilitated off-line hookups.

Man, I had to work to find these “opportunities”. And I worked to keep them alive.

Keep in mind that most of these encounters happened during the time I was involved with or married to my first wife. With the one exception that Molly knows about, I’ve stayed “on the wagon” during my involvement with her, since 1988.

So what explained my proclivity to “stray” in those days?

At the time, I had some bad examples for “heroes” in politics and popular culture. JFK.  James Bond. It was cool to make oneself available to the ladies, wasn’t it?

And my father had modeled some of this behavior. Think Don Draper, but in the insurance business. I’d seen some evidence of his straying when I was a teen.

Of course, I had a rather cocky attitude: If a woman came onto me, who was I to deny them the opportunity to be with the one and only Mick Collins.

I suppose my marital life was a tad dull. Certainly not like with Molly. But is that really an excuse? Couldn’t I have worked harder at bringing some adventure home?  Of course I could have.

When I went over the list with my Psychologist, she rolled her eyes a bit. The phrase “sex addict” came up. But she seemed to back away from that diagnosis. It seemed that while I had a high count, she’d seen a lot worse. And that fact that most of mine were actual relationships discounted that diagnosis.

After some session she focused on the type of relationship I had with my Mother. She was distant, self-absorbed. Not particularly affectionate.  (Think Rose Kennedy here).

Was my need  to seduce other women  fallout from my  desire to find the affection that my Mother supposedly denied me? And practice made perfect. I had become a bit of a seduction machine, apparently sending off signals that made the next conquest all the easier than the one before.

Mingle that with the higher testosterone that may have come with the territory – after all I was apolitical activist, though I never pulled the trigger on running for office myself – and you have a toxic mix.

The good part about my time with the Psychologist is that I had a better idea of what led to this behavior. That more clinical understanding helped me back up and see the harm and anxiety I had caused others – particularly Molly, but my first wife too, and some of the women on that list.

And it also helped me admit what a reckless, inconsiderate asshole I had been.

No one wants to be an asshole, right?

So Sin, at least or me, it was a bit deeper than “variety”.