Where's the Pattern?

Mistress was in  SW nirvana here yesterday morning before we headed up the mountain for skiing: it's so warm that for breakfast she was sitting out on our patio, sunning herself in her undies, while eating re-warmed  spelt pizza with goat cheese and mushrooms left over from the night before.

"This is heaven, Slave...."

"But remember pizza isn't just for breakfast anymore, Mistress."

But the real subject of today's blog is not the expanding boundaries of breakfast food, but something that Donna our Senior Correspondent has been prodding me about. Can any of you find a pattern in these recent rankings of the states?

First, there is the "duration of sex" survey posted here last week, which says that in New Mexico the average duration of each act of intercourse exceeds 7 minutes, the longest interval in the nation. On the other hand, Alaska comes in last, at less than 2 minutes:

Here's the link showing the time for each state.

Then there is this "Gallup Well Being"  survey of all 50 states, measuring various factors such as healthy habits, financial security, workplace contentment, etc. In this one, North Dakota ranks the highest,  and the bottom 5 are Ohio,  Alabama, Mississippi, Kentucky and West Virginia come in last.

New Mexico, a poor state, exceeds expectations on this survey, coming in not far from the middle. Maybe that's because while folks are poor they spend more time in the sack, which has to generate good vibes, right? But then what explains why West Virginia is near the bottom on "well being" but ranks second when it comes to taking time to fuck (even if it might be a kissin' cousin)? And our home state of Ohio - well it's lagging behind on both fronts.

Finally, there is this survey of states based on the location of various "hate groups":

Hate Map 2013

I can't get the map take on this page, but if you click on it you see that the the number of documented hate groups, as cataloged by the Southern Poverty Law Center varies from state to state. There are surprisingly few in New Mexico though: maybe all that time engaged in the act of love leaves little time left over for hate? But again, the 2nd place state of West Virginia on the sex duration index also has a large contingent of haters.  Go figure?

If you can find any correlations here, please let us know dear readers. Now I'm going back to bed with Mistress to see if we can once again hit above our state wide average.

Our Western Correspondent Signs Off From Sochi

Here in the sunny SW, spring seemed to have arrived in mid-January. The snow we left here after the holidays has long since disappeared from our yard, although there is just enough for skiing up on the mountain. We had some visitors yesterday who we showed around the mountain. But at least they did not arrive too early for some lovely wake-up sex here in the Sangres.

We hope our week here will be less eventful than the WC's rampage through Sochi, where he seems to have burned through the UCTMW corporate credit line, and doesn't even have an overpriced Cossack horse whip to present our Publisher as a souvenir from all that cavorting. I guess maybe I should be grateful?

(SOCHI)  Well the WC is flying over the pond

On a Russian Billionaire's G5

Interesting story about how this happened

I rented a Cossack uniform for the party 

And then rented a horse

Those  pseudo Cossacks sucked without horses

SO

I bought a horse

Went riding into the party swinging my whip

This old fat Russian guy said

Amercinski comrade!!!!

Come to me!!!!!!

Are you a true Cossack??????

I am comrade......... I said

Do you want to go to Vegas tommorow????

Guess I could but what is there waiting for us?

What ever we want Amercinski!!!!

I'm on board!!!!!

 I told my new friend!!!!!!!!!!!

So I am flying over the pond

With Geshias stepping on my back

Boy

Those gals can really step....

Long story short about how the Geshias got on board 

Mick.....

But rest assured the Tycoon paid for it

BTW Mick I really so need that $250,000.00

By TOMMOROW 

In my account when I hit Vegas

Seriously....

I only have $95 K in cash in my wallet 

Dude 

Come on and wire the cash

I know we kid each other about the company finances

But who has been doing the heavy lifting and bringing in the clients lately

All you do is fuck Molly twice a day

While I have been slaving away in Russia

Mick

Did you get a ride from a Russian Tycoon on his G5?????????

Hell this guy could buy Rupert Murdoch

I know you have your sights on buying Fox News

You of who

I should have a vote for every dollar I pay in taxes

You plutocrat you!!!!

Once again

Shame on you Mick Collins!!!!!!

Well a Geisha said it was her duty to entertain me

And I am in the mood for a blow job

So

The WC is signing off

And stop give me shit about spending your hard earned cash

After all I am the rain maker around here

Just ask Sue

Your humble employee

WC

The Pros and Cons of Slavery

Mistress and slave arrived at our little SW hideaway very early Saturday morning. And so far we are getting into the New Mexico groove.... We took our time with our early morning still groggy from all that travel wake-up sex. Then later after some skiing and a nap, there a more robust pre-dinner exploration of each other's bodies. I really am a pampered Slave, aren't I?

Of course, back of mind during our afternoon session was  that "scientific" study showing the average length of intercourse in each of the 50 states.

"Maybe we need an hour glass to turn over just when we get started to see exactly how long it takes, Mistress?"

With or without a timer, it seemed we exceeded our two states' combined averages, before we settled back to a resting phase.

Then it was get dressed and head out to dinner with two couples - one from Texas and one from Oklahoma -  who are also in town for a a few days.

It was over dinner and after we had all shared a few beverages that the conversation took a rather bizarre turn.

You know how these things go.... from movies we have seen,  to "12 Years a Slave", and then Ol' Mick brings up the recent incident at Ole' Miss involving a noose, a confederate flag, and the statute of James Meridith. My goal was to tell about an interview with Mr. Meridith - who apparently thinks his statute should be removed and calls it a "false idol". But I never got there.

Instead June - a nearly 60  something woman with overly enhanced breasts - reveals she has her graduate degrees from Ole' Miss and launches into a long monologue about how "sure slavery was terrible BUT.... ". You know the story .... there were good traditions that came of it, most slaves were happy, lots of owners treated their slaves well...... yadda and yadda. You could almost hear Dixie playing in the background.

Jaws were dropping. This Slave tried valiantly to save June from further embarrassment  by going in a different direction, as Mistress looked on with that knowing eye that said 'be careful Slave"....

"Well really June, it's just a matter of that whole "involuntary servitude" thing... I mean if someone knowingly volunteers to be a slave, without coercion, and the owner accepts responsibility that would be just fine, wouldn't it?"

She failed to grab the lifeline I was throwing her..... and kept up with her defense of the "peculiar institution".... so I kept adding fuel to my diversionary fire....

"I mean what if you had a written contract you negotiated with your Master or Mistress.... you could even have a checklist of things you were consenting to in advance.... whips.... check..... chains.... check...., attend to the Master's needs... check"

At that point I think Mistress kicked me under the table.....

June apparently thinks I am seriously engaging her on the merits of pre-Civil War slavery, and renews her rant about my stubborn inability to appreciate these matters from the point of view of a plantation owner, who had to work in a very competitive marketplace to fend for his family.

Maybe it was this point that I tried my last smutty diversion.

June was sitting next to me and I put my arm around her shoulder:

"The key is voluntary, June.... I mean what if I volunteered to be your Slave...."

At that point she finally got that I was kidding.... her eyes lit up..... ""Oh yeah, I get it .... handcuffs.... 50 shades of grey.... So that's where you're into, Mick?"

We all laughed, her rant was broken, and the conversation turned to something less divisive.... like how long sex lasts in our respective states. We decided there should be an hour glass built for every state's average time span.... with a big one for New Mexico, and a very small one for Ohio.

But I wonder if Mistress will discipline me for my acting out last night?

On the Road Again

Mistress and Slave are heading west today for a week at our SW hideaway. There's some talk that the WC may come down to visit. He certainly has some 'splaining to about the outrageous bills he's run up on his reportorial expedition to Sochi. I mean, how can you pay $31,250.85 for room service  at a hotel in some podunk town in Russia, when you are also running up charges of $12,684.50 for restaurant meals? (At least service was included.) And should it really cost $4625.42 to rent a fucking  1988 Lada with standard transmission for a week? I thought they had some fancy new public transportation system that Putin built just for the games. Somehow I think the WC will want to have this discussion via Skype.

Fortunately, Mistress and Slave are heading to New Mexico, where according to a recent study, folks take more time having sex than in any other state in our "union". Here is the link:Which states have the longest and shortest sex. According to this study, which may be the product of questionable methodology,  when in New Mexico couples take on average 7:01 minutes to have sex. But here in our so called home state, we only take 2:18 minutes per sexual intercourse.

Here is a chart which gives you a sense of where folks  take their time vs. where it's "slam bang, pass my laptop over honey."

Now I know you're probably  asking --- what are they counting? When I heard numbers in the two minute range, I said to myself "heck, you've barely started the oral worship phase of love making in that amount of time, Slave." But apparently they are not counting foreplay. These times only include the time from urgent insertion to withdrawal in a heap of sweaty exhaustion. But even so, Slave is at an age where the "quick release" is a thing of the past. I guess that's why no one has asked me to suit up as the Pussycats QB?

It does not surprise me that New Mexicans take more time than anywhere else. Life is at a slower pace there for us, and seemingly for most of the folks with whom we interact. Where else do you hear a radio ad for a fence company where the tag line on the ad is "we actually show up when we say we will." So if you take a little extra time in the sack before heading to the office, who's gonna notice?

But what's a little troubling is that West Virginia is second on the list. I associate that state more with black lung and cross breeding. Is reduced lung capacity another explanation for a guy taking longer to get there?

Maybe some of our readers have a theory on why their states place poorly on this chart. Suzanne, I notice that in Massachusetts you get it over with quicker than in New Hampshire and Connecticut. Does that have something to do with Tom Brady or the Red Sox?

In any event, we are looking forward to some slow developing cums in the next week or so.... but wherever you are, just stick the stop watch in the bedside table and enjoy yourselves.